Gome of the Week
Relax, Franco. You've got the job.

In fact, you've got like ten of 'em. Cool out. Take a nap.

You look sleepy.










This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Coenfographic - Connecting the dots between all the Coen Brothers movies. Confusing, but interesting.


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Metal Mania (1986)

Before the greatest show in the history of VH1 Classic, there was this samely-titled "video LP" from Sony (?) that features "a churning attack of volume, voltage, and visuals in your living room." It also claims to be "guaranteed to ring your ears." An awkward sentence for an awkward video.

Also from the back: "UFO - the band that spawned the career of legendary guitarist Michael Schenker." Schenker does not appear in this video, as he had not been with the band for almost eight years at this point. Major diss to then-current UFO guitarist Atomik Tommy M, who, as you can see from this clip from the video, ain't no slouch. Though he is, aside from his sweet hair, quite diminutive. Still, watching him play was one of the many highlights of the film for me. Whammy bar-heavy shreddery at its finest.

This video isn't much more than a bunch of live clips from five different bands strung together, though there is a bonus interview with Nazareth's Nicky Horne which didn't add much. Though it did confirm for me that Scottish people really need to get their shit together when it comes to dental care.

So, here's who's in the flick: Rock Goddess, an all-female group who do an awesome song called "Heavy Metal Rock 'n' Roll." It's about heavy metal. And also rock. And possibly roll.

UFO, or at least the dude who originally sang for UFO. As you can see from the Atomik Tommy clip above, it's one old dude with a bunch of young dudes. And a really shitty drummer.

Nazareth: These guys are awesome. Check their performance of "Boys in the Band" for proof. It's like your uncle's bar band on angel dust.

Uriah Heep: The Heep! They only get one song on here, but they do "Stealin'," or as the box puts it, "Stealing." Devastating vocal harmonies and a blistering solo from Mick Box.

Warlock: Doro Pesch, you're lucky you've (kind of) got looks. Check out the shriekery on "Shout It Out."

Absolutely worth the dollar I paid for it.



This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Tim Weisberg - Tim Weisberg (1971)

The mustache peeking in on the right. The wristwatch face-fist. The class ring against the flute. It's all here.

I will clown the cover to this record, but I will also make a confession: I have listened to this record more than once while I'm doing writing or other concentration-based stuff in front of the computer. It's instrumental rock/jazz/flute music, and it's quite nice.

Check out his version of "Nights in White Satin." It's really very calming. But mostly I just like the fact that his arm is wearing a tasteful knit pullover.




This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
crockahooey - A sweet thing to call something that is a bunch of nonsene.

Origin - The ancient Hooey tribe.

Usage - "Oh, dude. I heard that Van Halen is recording with David Lee Roth again."

"Dude, that rumor pops up every two years like clockwork. It will never happen."

"Are you saying these poorly-written metal blogs are lying to me?"

"Dude, I'll do you one better. I'm offcially declaring the whole idea a crockahooey."


This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Signs You've Been Partying With Charlie Sheen:

10. You suddenly have encyclopedic knowledge of porn stars' real names
09. You're in possession of an autographed DVD of Beyond the Law that has cocaine residue all over it
08. You keep talking about how you've heard that Jon Cryer's wigmaster is a really nice guy
07. You say things like, "And you thought they just called him 'Wild Thing' in that movie!"
06. You watch TMZ to see what you were up to last night
05. You do a spot-on Charlie-Sheen-while-he's-shooting-speedballs-into-his-cock-and-talking-down-his-agent impression
04. You've been sleeping in a hotel bathtub for six weeks
03. You claim to be an honorary member of the "Young Guns"
02. You keep asking people if they want to see photos of Charlie Sheen smoking swatches of carpet through a skull bong filled with Rumple Minz
01. You're on E! News bragging about your hush money


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