Gome of the Week
Already Fandangoed the shit out of my tickets for this!
I hope they end up together in the end.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Pen and Pixel - Still getting the job done, one Mr. Stinky album cover at a time.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Because I'm an idiot, I read the spine of this video as Timeclock when I saw it at the record store a few months back. Needless to say, I thought that was the funniest/most awesome thing in the world, so I picked it up. It wasn't until I got it home that I noticed it was a lock, not a clock. And, in the end, there's no timelock in this movie at all, so it doesn't really matter. But I still wish it was called Timeclock.
If you know Maryam "Dalton-Era Bond Girl" d'Abo and Arye "I've Guest-Starred on Every TV Show Ever" Gross, then you know that the only thing that could make that combo any sweeter would be the addition of Martin "Yes, Sensei" Kove. Throw a little Jeff "Somehow I'm the Poor Man's Steven Seagal" in there, and you've got yourself...one cripplingly boring movie about a futuristic space prison. Why do I feel like I'm always watching movies about futuristic space prisons?
The year is 2251. Jack (Gross) is being sent to the aforementioned outlying space prison because he stole a bunch of money. He was supposed to go to the minimum security lock-up, but he accidentally gets assigned to the one where they send the criminals who have been deemed lost causes. So, he's on a transport ship with a bunch of dudes who don't give a shit about anything. And apparently they worked it out so they'd go to prison together, because they all bust loose and hijack the ship, take it to the prison and unfreeze their buddy who is rumored to be the most devious criminal in space history. Madness ensues, but Jack manages to crack wise while learning how to kill people. Example: After he tumbles off a ledge with a dude and lands on him, Jack pats the guy's newly-deceased forehead and says, "Nice working with ya." Jack = gold.
Jack also says things like "Showtime at the Apollo!," which means that the club must still exist 250 years from now, even though we've mastered light-speed space travel and would seemingly have better things to do then throw garbage at people who can't sing. But who am I to doubt the vision of this film?
So, here's the trailer for the movie. At about the :27 mark, a dude hits a control panel on a wall. Looked strangely familiar to me while I was watching the movie... Here's a screen grab. Recognize it? Yeah, it's this. I am awesome.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Nikki - If You Wanna (1989)
Oh, 1989. How awkward you were for society. Dance music was running itself into the ground, but the record labels were still hanging on. And apparently they were trying to turn dudes into tried-and-true hit machines.
This poor guy. He seems to be a good singer, but man, he got molded. One part Prince, one part Terence Trent D'Arby, and a whole lotta Milli Vanilli.
You'll see what I'm talking about.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
timeclock - A sweet way to overly describe a clock.
Origin - Specificity.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I can't be late to this sweet rave I'm going to tonight."
"Dude, have you dipped your pacifier in glitter yet?"
"Dude, of course. But look at the timeclock! I've only got twenty minutes to gather my vapo sticks and hit the road!"
"Dude, according to my timeclock, you've only got 15. Better hurry."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Ways to Quickly Warm Up Your Hands:
10. Shove them both in your mouth. You're always blowing so much hot air out of that enormous piehole of yours - they should heat right up
09. Do a handstand on a couple of griddles that have just been used at a lengthy white trash wedding
08. Sit on them while your mesh shorts are filled with two freshly toasted hoagie rolls
07. Loiter in a parking lot, wait for people to get into their cars, and quickly heat your hands with the exhaust from their grimy tail pipes
06. Lodge them in your monkey's armpits. Don't have a monkey? Try to find a fat baby.
05. Burning mittens
04. Tightly grip as many Hot Tamales candies as you can
03. Hold them over a fire until you hear a faint sizzling sound
02. Politely ask your dominatrix to massage them after she's done stapling your nutsack to a board
01. Just cut a couple of hand holes in either side of the microwave
Cancel One Career