12.19.10

Gome of the Week
Jeff Bridges is a good sport.

Now take a hike, Cookie Monster.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
The 1982 Tron Holiday Special - Retro-festive.

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation (1990)

The third installment in this series took a pretty huge detour when it came to the story in this series, but this one throws almost any connection to the previous flicks out the window. However, when you've got Clint Howard playing a creepy, troll-like subservient to a bunch of witches, it's hard to complain.

Howard's character is named Ricky, and at one point they do show clips of the third movie on a television screen during a particularly violent scene, so there is some callback, but it's minor. This movie is more about creepy insects and ritualistic sacrifices, but since it takes place around the holidays, they're able to get away with the title. Though I think for foreign release, it was simply called Bugs. Seriously.

If you've never experienced the simple beauty of Clint Howard giving it his all in a shit movie, you're really missing out. He's a true professional, and even when he's shoving an overgrown centipede-type thing down a girl's throat while she's being held down by a bunch of witches, you can tell he means it. But that's Clint: he's just a lovable little gremlin.

The story here revolves around a young lady who works for a newspaper as a copy editor, and even though she's only worked there for a few months, she feels that she's owed the position of reporter. So, when banging one of the lead reporters doesn't do the trick, she sets out on her own to investigate a strange case of human spontaneous combustion. This leads her to the bookstore where it happened, which leads her to the lady who runs the bookstore, which leads her to what she thinks is that lady's book club or some shit, which leads her to being almost sacrificed by that lady and some of her witch pals. That's the short version, and the long version's not much more interesting.

My favorite part was when her arms were burning and you could see her real hand holding her fake melting arm. Extensive quality here. Oh, and when a shirtless Clint Howard made forceable ogre love to her. That has been haunting my dreams since I saw it, and there's no going back. Someone please wash my mind.

Here's the trailer. If you like hot chicks choking on mega-bugs, you're going to be stoked.

 

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Radio Shack Presents - Christmas with Santa and His Friends (1979)

"Share the exciting experiences with your family by living with Santa Claus while he prepares for Christmas along with a reporter that comes to live with Santa for about 20 days up to Christmas Eve."

That's some solid copy, Radio Shack.

This record is every bit as weird as that crazy-eyed elf on the cover there would indicate, and it's quickly become one of my favorite Christmas records. Weirdest thing: they still refer to two of the reindeer as "Donder" and "Blixen," which, as far as I can tell, hasn't been standard since the 40's. Also, the reporter's name is Dick, so you get to hear helium-voiced elves say that a lot. And because I'm an idiot, I get a charge out of it.

 

 

 

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Christmass - A sweet way to add "ass" to "Christmas."

Origin - Seasonal hilarity. And Frank Black.

Usage - "Oh, dude. This Christmas is not going so well."

"Dude, what's the prob?"

"Dude, I inhaled way too much spray snow and now I am blind."

"Dude, this has ceased to be Christmas. It shall now be known as Christmass."

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Things I'm Putting In Your Stocking:

10. 36 gallons of lime Jell-O
09. Gift-wrapped bundles of really jagged gravel
08. Invitations to join two equally tempting, but highly conflicting cults
07. A rubber snake, a real snake, and an anti-venom concoction playfully labeled "POISON"
06. A card that says "Look in the driveway," and then when you get to the driveway there's your current car but I've filled it with rancid onions
05. A card with a placid winter scene on the front and on the inside it says, "This holiday season, let's deny the holocaust together"
04. Stuff that you initially think is coal but it really turns out to be wolverine feces
03. A music box that only plays clips of old people crying
02. A bountiful selection of frayed extension cords
01. A coupon good for one karate chop to the back of your lumpy skull

 

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