Gome of the Week
It's a shanty town of hot deals!
Isn't this when the government steps in and puts you to sleep?
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Blood Bros: First Blood - Big ups to Dold for this one. Train! Fight! Win!
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
I was talking big last week about minimizing my VHS queue, but it's going to have to wait a month. It's the holiday season, and I've got some thematic watching to do. We start here, with a movie that is by no means obscure, but I'd never seen it before. The DVD seems to be out of print, so maybe you haven't either. Lucky for me, I found a video store that had it, and I rented the shit out of this thing.
And I am so glad I did. I am also glad that I didn't happen upon this flick when I was a little kid, because it would have scarred me irreperably. But, now that I'm a full-grown man, I can appreciate the simple beauty of a guy in a Santa suit hacking people up with an ax. I've come to grips with the fact that it's a rough world out there, and sometimes you have to go on a Christmas Eve killing spree that just happens to involve a good number of topless chicks. It's just the way life is.
So, yes, this movie was awesome. Here's the story: A kid goes to visit his grandpa in a mental hospital when he's like four. His grandpa's a kook, and tells the kid that Santa not only doesn't give presents to bad little boys and girls, he also "severely punishes" them. On the way home, the kid's dad pulls over to help a guy in a Santa suit whose car is broken down on the side of the road. Santa shoots his dad and slits his mom's throat right in front of him. The kid gets away (and somehow his infant brother who was in the front seat does, too), moves into an orphanage, goes nuts every year during Christmas, and finally cracks at age 18 when his boss makes him dress up as Santa. That's when the bloodbath really begins.
Aside from the plentiful nudity, this movie also featured a decapitated body riding a sled, a girl getting impaled on a pair of wall-mounted antlers, Santa shooting a lady he works with with a bow and arrow, a garroting by Christmas lights, and all the ax-into-abdomen action you can handle. I could watch it again right now.
Lucky for me, there are four sequels to this thing. So, I guess you know what to look forward to over the next month.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Duover - Christmas Volume I (2010)
I know I usually feature the finest audio recordings that Crap Town has to offer in this section, but I'm serious about this one.
Our friend Nate has put together a damn fine Christmas album with his group Duover, and you should really consider buying it and allowing it to be the soundtrack to your holiday season.
Listen to the whole darn thing here and buy it if you like it. It's cheap. And well worth it.
Back to the obscure garbage next week - I promise.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Propah! - A sweet thing to say when something is super trump tight.
Origin - The :50 mark of this MC Hammer Pepsi commercial some of us old people fondly remember.
Usage - "Oh, dude. This Christmas is going to be so trump teez."
"Dude, I agree. We are going to grease ourselves up real good and do kung-fu in the aisles while we watch The Warrior's Way."
"Propah! But dude, do we really need the grease?"
"Dude, we could try to kung-fu each other without grease, but I don't think it would work."
"Dude, that grease is gonna be super propah!"
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs Christmas is Coming:
10. Just filed the incredibly illegal paperwork for my phony, collecting-money-under-the-guise-of-the-holiday charity
09. Dirtballs everywhere are switching from light bulbs to glass ornaments for their drug-smokin'
08. Just broke out the red and green nipple clamps
07. Pretty sure I saw something on TV about it
06. Heard GG Allin's "Christmas Diarrhea Shit Torpedo" on the easy listening station the other day
05. Mini-mart down the street is having a sale on those big cans of energy nog
04. Well, I was camped out in front of the Faberge egg store for the last two weeks, if that tells you anything
03. Crammed a sprig of mistletoe up my corn chute as soon as Thanksgiving dinner was over
02. AMC just started their 30 day, around the clock marathon of Santa's Slay starring Bill Goldberg
01. Fat bearded guys everywhere are cashing mad checks, yo
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