Gome of the Week
I watched this and was severely disappointed to find out that it wasn't a Bill Pullman-led Spaceballs spinoff. What a crock.

I didn't really watch it.

And apparently no one else did, either.

Look for it soon in our "Cancel One Career" section. That's gonna be sweet.





This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Man builds cat-sized village for homeless cats - Cat city.


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Fortune Dane (1986)

Vidmark and Carl Weathers? Sign me up! Though, I must say, I was a little curious about that lady on the cover next to that PG rating. Turns out this whole thing was a little misleading.

First off, that girl's not in the movie. But perhaps most egregious of all, this isn't even a movie. It's the two-part pilot for a TV show that Weathers starred in for a whopping five episodes back in the mid-80's. They edited the commercial breaks so they weren't so obvious (which is more than last week's movie can say), and packaged it as a feature film. Perhaps the best example of how well that worked: My wife walked in while I was watching it and said, "This is a movie?" No, no it isn't.

But, it is Weathers in his prime, and in case it wasn't clear: yes, his first name is Fortune. Last name Dane. Awesome. He's an ex-professional football player-turned cop, who fights crime not because he needs to, but because he wants to. He's also a devil with the ladies. This is apparently supposed to be the point of the ironically homoerotic opening credits, which feature a shirtless, glistening Weathers working out and then showering. It is literally the gayest thing I've seen that doesn't actually involve two dudes making out with each other.

It's not hard to see why the show got axed: Weathers is as badass as ever, but the supporting actors are hacks, and the story (involving mafia loan sharks who launder money through Dane's adoptive Dad's bank) makes very little sense. But I enjoyed the shit out of it. At one point some internal affairs guys cut him off with their car while he's jogging, and he ends up - in his short-shorts and knee-high socks, mind you - jumping on the hood of their car while he threatens to kill them. It is fantastic.

Now, of course, I want to see the other three (four?) episodes of this show. That will never happen. But I may watch this again. Here's the trailer, which should give you a rough idea of how entertaining this "movie" is.



This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Various Artists - Music for a Hot Body (1984)

Rarely has a single album cover screamed "1984" so loud. Strangely, the songs all have a barely-updated disco vibe to them, and despite what the album cover states, they are not the "hottest tracks ever."

Though if you're a Miquel Brown fan (and who isn't), you're in luck: She's got two songs on here, one of which is "So Many Men, So Little Time," which I'm fairly certain is the title of a movie I saw one time. But that's a different story.

If you can't get enough of this lovely lady, here's the back cover. She's sweaty because the tracks are so hot. To give you an idea of how hot, check out Fun Fun doing "Color My Love." Think they might be Bananarama fans.




This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
stomped like a narc at a biker rally - A sweet way to describe the extent to which someone has been supremely defeated.

Origin - Dennis Miller when he was still great.

Usage - "Oh, dude. What a weekend. I entered a 24-hour backgammon tournament."

"Dude, I didn't know you play backgammon."

"Apparently I don't. Dude, I had it confused with Rummikub for Kids."

"Dude, how did that end up for you?"

"I got stomped like a narc at a biker rally."



This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Signs You're Moving Up In The World:

10. You're no longer required to wear the neon green parka that says "VOMIT PATROL"
09. Hookers are making eye contact with you during the asphyxiation process
08. The elusive "chips-and-a-drink" upgrade is no longer beyond your grasp
07. The projection-screen TV and LaserDisc player speak for themselves
06. Your landlord now calls you by your name, instead of "Do you still need me to loan you that extension cord so you can hang yourself, you pathetic tub? You reek like rancid Doritos"
05. You are now in a position to purchase non-rancid Doritos
04. For once in your life, you can honestly say that you're much better off than Randy Quaid
03. Yeah, your Discman has the anti-shock feature
02. Still can't afford a car alarm, but you have been able to pick up an adhesive blinking red light that gives the impression that you have a car alarm
01. It's been weeks since anyone asked you advice on riding the rails


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