09.12.10

Gome of the Week
If history has taught us anything, it's that this song will never get old.

Ever.

Now everyone keep playing it repeatedly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Zero Lives: Bumper Stickers - For the 8-bit parental units.

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Triangle (2001)

The Bermuda Triangle, to be exact. And when you get Perry, Cortese, and Olivia D'abo out there, they do way more than talk about how they should have invested their 90's-heyday paychecks more wisely. Though I'm sure there was plenty of that kind of chatter around the craft services dinghy.

I was a little disappointed when I realized this was a TBS Original Movie Presentation (or whatever they call 'em), but only a little. I mean, c'mon: when you've got Perry and Cortese teaming up, you've gotta just accept the circumstances, sit back, and let the sweet bros do their work.

In this case, it involves an annual trip between college buddies. Perry plays Stu, a shady dick who is extremely unbelievable as someone who would have friends. But Cortese's Tommy is equally asstastic, and though he's more together (he's a lawyer), he's not above wearing the shit out of a sleeveless shirt or two. They have another buddy who tags along, and Stu also brings his fiance. When his plan to charter a fancified party yacht goes awry, he attempts to salvage the situation by getting the owner of a crappy little vessel to take them out on the water for a few days. Charlie (still-hot D'abo) is the first mate on the shitboat, which is odd, because Tommy has been having dreams about her recently. Even though they had never met before.

This begins the creepiness, and it only accelerates once they head out into the Triangle. An oceanliner that disappeared 60 years earlier under suspicious circumstances reappears, and when the crew decides to board it, things get haunty, and eventually Stu gets mad murdery. Turns out the boat houses the spirit of an insane 30's-era actor, who chopped up his family on the boat's last recorded journey. Stu picks up where the dashing dude left off, and I gotta say: if you haven't seen Luke Perry beat someone to death with a cricket bat on a ghost-infested cruise ship, you're really missing out.

One of the more entertaining flicks I've watched for the site recently. But I expected nothing less from Perry and Cortese. They're that good. Check the trailer here. And this movie might be called The Triangle, but I'm just going by what's on the box. Because I keeps it real.

 

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Shirley, Squirrely & Melvin - Live (1981)

If this appears to be nothing more than a cheap Chipmunks knockoff of to you, well, I've got news for you: You're a perceptive person, and maybe someday, if you're really nice, I'll let you guest-write this column. Because you've got what it takes.

This album is as "live" as any other studio album with fake crowds in the background, but not nearly as shitty as you might think. I mean, it's shitty, don't get me wrong - but somebody put some time into this. Apparently this group has some sort of history, but I don't really care. What's important is that they cover "Get Back" by The Beatles, and it will make you want to spot-weld your earholes shut.

Listen if you dare.

 

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
chard-on - A sweet way to describe the stimulation one achieves after consuming one of nature's most vitamin-rich leafy greens.

Origin - Oliver Chardy.

Usage - "Oh, dude. You seem extremely revitalized today. You must be hitting the chard pretty hard."

"Dude, I just had a massive helping of Swiss chard. The most potent strain of chard known to man."

"Dude, you really must be flying high."

"Dude, I've got a massive chard-on right now."

 

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Signs The Manipulating Voices In Your Head Are At Odds:

10. A bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats is never finished without bloodshed
09. On your left arm: a tattoo of a Ford urinating on a Chevy. On your right arm: a tattoo of a Chevy banging the Ford's wife
08. Always playing dollies by having your Zune and iPod make out with each other
07. As usual, you're the only black guy at the tea party rally
06. Spend hours dissecting Van Hagar vs. Van Cherone
05. Paralyzed at TCBY counter by daunting decision: do you call it fro-yo, or frogurt?
04. Well, for one thing, you've got a butt plug in your mouth and a ball gag up your ass
03. Your menorah has nine Christmas trees jammed in it
02. Sometimes you drink Coke, sometimes you drink hobo diarrhea
01. You've been hearing Bob Uecker yelling "Less filling!" in your right ear for like, a decade or some shit

 

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