09.05.10

Gome of the Week
My god, cool guys.

Just put the parachute pants on and get it over with.

This is getting ridiculous.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Relentlessly Cheerful Art - I'm pretty sure part of me hates these.

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
The Killings at Outpost Zeta (1980)

Just realized that both last week's movie and this one begin with "The Killing." Not intentional, I swear. Another thing these two movies have in common: neither of them were very good.

I've been putting off watching this movie for about a year now, because I just knew it was going to be an assfest. I finally bit the bullet tonight, and the festival of assiness did indeed commence as expected. This is one of those VHS tapes with not only no previews before the feature, but also not even a logo for a production company, a copyright warning - nothing. Just straight into the film. Never a good sign.

I feel like I've watched other movies that involve a crew of astronauts sent to check out a planet from which other astronauts have not returned, and now I can add this one to the list. Though the other ones I've watched couldn't have been nearly as low-budget as this was. Between the motorcycle helmets, the plastic-tubed laser guns, and the spraypainted ribbed metal sheeting that made up the walls of the spaceship, this was truly in a class by itself. So, visually, it was awesomesly terrible. But the script, unfortunately, played it too straight, which just made the whole thing sad.

The monsters that the crew fights are just walking rock-type things, and they barely show them. And when they do, you never see any appendages to explain how they're constantly gutting the crew members and leaving them for dead. Anyway, I don't want to get started on the things that didn't make sense in this flick, because it would be endless. Not the worst movie I've ever seen, but not nearly as entertaining as it could have been. Though the Orkan outfits were a nice touch.

Fun facts: This movie features Tom Selleck's ex-wife, Jacqueline Ray (apparently they misspelled her name on the cover) in her only starring role. She was a model in the 80's, and a terrible actress. It was associate produced by Anne Spielberg, Steven's sister. The band Boards of Canada used a still from this movie for the cover of their Twoism album. Speaking of, here's some footage from the movie played behind one of their songs.

 

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Bill Million - A Million Happy Sounds (196?)

Apparently this guy had another album called One in a Million. We see what you're doing there, Bill. And we don't like it.

This album lives up to its name by being disturbingly jubilant, pipe-organ style. Million plays it by the book - these are just some of the songs included: "Happy Heart," "My Happiness," "Put on a Happy Face," I Want to Be Happy," "The Happy Wanderer," "Sometimes I'm Happy," "Come On Get Happy," and my favorite one of all, "Happiness is a Thing Called Joe."

It sure is, Bill. It sure is.

 

 

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Michael Gross - A sweet way to describe something that's grosser than gross.

Origin - Steven Keaton.

Usage - "Oh, dude. Did you see that cool guy's rat tail?"

"Dude, that was gross."

"Dude, that was Michael Gross."

"Dude, it may as well have starred in all 4 Tremors movies."

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Signs Your Child's School Is Suffering From Budget Cuts:

10. De facto music teacher is a homeless guy who hangs around the playground and teaches the kids how to beatbox
09. Whiny kid always coming home with a skin-irritating malk mustache
08. PE class is 20 minutes a day spent in the boiler room, with healthy students running from the kid with the confirmed case of head lice
07. Well, the fucking post-meal hot towel service is gone, for one thing
06. Geography involves teacher fiddling with Google Maps on his smartphone and holding it up so the class can kind of see it
05. Overhead projectors replaced with irregular butcher paper and a can of Krylon
04. Buses ditched in favor of work-released prison inmates with wheelbarrows
03. Math teacher dumps a box of coat hangers and beads on the table and says, "You didn't think we could afford to buy pre-made abacuses, did you?"
02. Water fountain is now the sprinkler in the old guy's yard behind the school
01. Hot lunch is a pack of recently-microwaved bologna, cooling on a card table

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