08.29.10
Gome of the Week
Yes, I think it's safe to say that if Craigslist pulls all its personal ads off the web, it will effectively put an end to prostitution.
Blaming Craigslist for hookers is like blaming Fred Meyer for selling me the coffee that I'm addicted to. Yeah, they play a part in the transaction, but if they stopped carrying it I'd just go to a seedier place (say, 7-11) and take my chances there.
Bottom line: I'll be getting that coffee. And when it comes down to it, I really don't care about the quality. I just want to dunk my dong in it.
Best analogy ever.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Monsterdrawings on Post-It Notes - Ball-point badassness.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
The Killing Man (1994)
I'm not declaring it champion, but this movie is in the running for the best title/cover combo of any movie I've reviewed in the last few years. I mean, just look at that shit. And read that shit. And check that sweet-ass sort-of-correlating tagline. It's really tough to beat.
I lucked into a dollar VHS sale at my local Goodwill this past weekend, and this was just one of the gems that I carted home. After my previous experience with Mr. Wincott, I couldn't wait to watch this one. Perhaps I set my expectations a bit too high, because it didn't blow me away like I had hoped it might. But where there's Wincott, there's a 100% chance of flying spin-kicks, and he didn't disappoint when it came to that.
Wincott plays a former mob hitman who, in the course of one of his hits, barely escaped an explosion that left him alive, but with little memory of his past. A government secret agency scooped him up right after the accident, and we first see him in a secluded hospital-type room, recovering from his injuries. (Flashbacks fill in the pre-story.) He tries to kick his way out, but gets stopped. He's being watched by doctors, and after a gratuitous romp with a government-approved call girl ("Looks like his sex drive is fully functional," says one of the docs), he's told that he will now be killing for the government. If he doesn't, they'll kill him.
So, it's a kill-kill situation. Over the course of the flick, he does plenty of killing, but after he finds out that he's taking out people who are threatening to expose the origin of the AIDS virus (the government manufactured it!), he starts to get wary. Of course, it takes a hot scientist (who he's been instructed to kill) to really change his mind. After they bone it out, he decides to turn on his government watchdogs with a series of spin-kicks so furious that he seems to actually begin floating like a helicoptor. Oh, and he shoots the shit out of a bunch of dudes. And does some knife-throwing.
Not enough snarky dialogue for me, but the kicking was good. Check the trailer here.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Road Recordings - Voice of the Sea (196?)
You ever see that Simpsons where Homer offers to make soothing ocean sounds for Marge and he starts with water shooshing and then ends with a tugboat horn blaring? This is what that's like. It sounds like it was recorded on some sort of freight liner, because while you can hear the ocean and the wind, you can also hear grizzled seamen talking about their cargo.
And then the horns start blaring. Loud. But, if you've ever wondered what genuine engine room blowers sounded like on the USS Columbus, you're in luck. This LP contains some sweet field recordings of that tourist attraction. And the noise of an anchor being dropped, a boatswain's whistle, and noises of the wheel house. You can almost smell the salt air and sea-induced homosexuality.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
It's gonna be schweet! - A sweet way to describe something nerdy you're excited about. Must be spoken in lispy, high-pitched nerd voice.
Origin - Nerdz.
Usage - "Oh, dude. Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II is coming out in October."
"Dude, time to break out our Wiimote lightsaber attachments and get down to business."
"Dude, if you dress as Starkiller, I'll dress as a euphoria-encoded stormtrooper."
"Dude. It's gonna be schweet!"
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs You're A Real Big Man:
10. You piss power steering fluid
09. Always telling stories that end with you getting your balls mashed by a backhoe
08. Your trademark: wearing tank tops to funerals
07. Your truck is cleaner than your children
06. You're fairly certain all the Carl's Jr. ads were written by someone who knows you personally
05. After guiltily stroking it to man-on-man porn, you gay-bash yourself
04. When on the hunt for poontang, you always make sure to tuck your Jeff Gordon t-shirt into your jorts
03. You secretly sport a man-bra made of raw bacon
02. You write rhyming poetry about the lost art of tongue-bathing handguns
01. You've got a Kid Rock CD crammed up your fat ass
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