08.15.10

Gome of the Week
Those clowns at the Gathering are at it again. What a bunch of clowns.

Pro-weed, yet anti-Method Man. This just does not make sense!

Btw, I was going to cancel Tila Tequila's career this week, but I hit a roadblock when I tried to find out what she actually does.

Burn!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
YouTube Doubler - The possibilities are endless, but I'm not sure there's going to be a combo better than this particular one.

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Moon 44 (1990)

More like Moon Bored-y Bore. Hiyoooo!

Seriously though: this was a tedious one. Strange, considering it's a Roland Emmerich film, and that dude is like the king of cornball action schmaltz. Right after this one he did Universal Soldier, and then it was off to Stargate, Independence Day, Godzilla, blah blah blah. Apparently he cut his medium-budget teeth on this flick, and when you're talking medium budget, you're talking Michael Paré and Malcolm McDowell. Finally, these two B-movie powerhouses teamed up. (That's what I would have been saying 20 years ago if I had watched it then.)

And I shouldn't give the impression that this is a shitty movie, because it's actually not. But the story's a little complicated (seriously), and when things get muddled in a deep-space thriller, it's never good news. It's tough to know who's double-crossing who when you never knew who the good guys were in the first place.

This I do know: The year is 2038, all the Earth's resources have long been used up, and companies are now turning to distant planets and mining the shit out of them. The problem is, there's two competing companies, and one of them keeps destroying the other one. Paré plays an FBI agent who goes undercover to work on the prison-inmate run ship that is sure to be destroyed, though he doesn't know this. Turns out the company that hired him - the one that keeps losing their ships and men - is mad evil too, but before his certain death, they want to find out why all their shit keeps getting blown up. So, yeah, the plot's not riveting.

But a chain-smoking Paré as a stone-cold space cop ("I like to work alone...") is unsurprisingly badass, and he once again shows why he's great in these kinds of movies. McDowell just goes through the motions (as per usual), but he's always wonderful at making you root for his death, so there's that to look forward to. When he's eventually incinerated in an elevator shaft explosion, it's somewhat satisfying.

There's also some hilarious muscled-out convicts who are always attempting to verbally spar with the future-hacker computer geeks that run the operations on the ship, and that's fairly entertaining. Until one of the inmates rapes one of the nerds in the space shower, and the kid ends up hanging himself. That was less enjoyable. But when Paré saves the day and comes back to the company that hired him, fires an empty gun in the boardroom just to freak everybody out, says "I guess I'm out of a job" and struts out of the place as the credits roll, it almost made the previous 95 minutes worth it.

Watch the trailer if you've got the guts.

 

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Royrviks Trio - Bestefar Svinger (1976)

It's common knowledge that Andreas Royrvik plays a mean trekkspill, but I had no idea that Ola Leikaas was so damn good at the trommer. I mean, he's always been solid, but...wow.

And while "Sigaretter, Whisky og Ville Jenter" is a rousing opener, it's really not until the one-two punch of "Boljesang i Solnedgang" and "I Natt Jag Dromde Blatt Om Deg (Tango)" that things get really crazy. And when they barrel into "Kaffepetters Polka," well, forget about it. Crown 'em the kings. Need more proof? Stick around for the unhinged closer, the inimitable "Setergalopp." It will change your life.

 

 

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Bream a little Bream - A sweet way to describe the intention to grow a wide-ass mustache.

Origin - Sid Bream.

Usage - "Oh, dude. I am in need of a facial hair reinvention. I've done the goatee, I've done the full beard, I've even done the pervy thin-stache."

"Dude, I think you know what to do."

"Dude, you're right. It's time to Bream a little Bream."

"Dude, Bream on, Bream away."

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Signs You're Doing It Wrong:

10. People keep yelling, "What are you, crazy? You can't do that like that!"
09. You've swallowed an incredible amount of latex paint
08. This is like the third time you've done it, and the chocolate pudding is landing nowhere near your mouth hole
07. You just got a text that says "ur doign i t wrog"
06. Some knucklehead took a picture of you and posted it on his blog just so he could write "FAIL" in the comments section and maybe squeeze an "LOL" out of the whole deal
05. Pretty sure you had two thumbs when this whole thing started, because you clearly remember having a firm, two-hand grip on the instruction manual
04. Your jeans have suddenly been rendered incredibly uneven jorts
03. You're blubbering whilst covered in chainsaw lubricant and shaving cream
02. The box clearly stated "Not for perming butt hair," but you pressed forward
01. Your dong is irretrievably lodged, and the wang release lever seems to have been only a rumor

 

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