Gome of the Week
Hey. Some of us have to wait for the DVDs of Dexter to come out, and they are excruciatingly slow releasing the damn things.

Keep that in mind before you start flapping your fat gums about how the season ended.

Next week Season 4 finally comes out. Let's get stabby.









This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Unicorn Being a Jerk - Bet you've never seen a unicorn deny The Holocaust before.


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Swayze Dancing (1988)

If you need proof that Patrick Swayze was a really nice guy, look no further than this sad, sad instructional video that his mom put out. Part infomercial for her dance studio and part story-of-a-dance-contest, this thing is a relic of a simpler time - a dancier time - and I enjoyed the shit out of it. To give you an idea of its superior quality, the word "renouned" does appear on the back cover. Probably shouldn't call yourself that if you can't spell it. Anywho.

There's a brief story in the beginning about some giant-coiffed dancers with a lot of heart entering a dance contest. Problem is, they don't know how to dance! Enter the prime bi-level of Swayze. He's only in about the first 20 minutes of this thing, in which he acts like he's taking a class from his mom. All the students (the same ones who are to be in the dance-off) are stoked that he's there, and want to know how he prepared for his role in Dirty Dancing. He begins to explain his acting process, then looks at his mom and remembers what he's there for.

He tells them the ways of the dance, and then shows off some sweet and sweaty moves with his wife. His strangely Korean sister looks on. After giving the class a quick 15-minute primer on how to properly hip-sway, he says he has to catch a plane. His mom suggests that he come back by in six weeks to see how the class has improved and how they do in the dance contest. He's clearly caught off guard by this improv from his mom, and manages a fake-enthusiastic "Maybe!"

The next half-hour is spent just watching the people in the class dance, with no structured direction of any sort. ("She's Like the Wind" provides the soundtrack during one of these segments, as if there was any question about that song showing up in this thing.) I'm still trying to figure out what this movie was supposed to do. There are no lessons. It's just footage of these people who supposedly can't dance dancing really well, and then going to a dance contest where they all win in categories that up to that point had never been mentioned.

The best part: At the end of the dance contest, they all look up into the fake balcony, and Swayze and his wife - in a shot that was clearly filmed in a completely different time zone - give them all a big thumbs up from the shadows. Awesome. I also liked this guy.

You wanna watch the beginning of this flick? Of course you do.



This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Mr. Boston - Ten for Cocktails (1968)

Finally, somebody put together a compilation of songs that are suitable for drinking cheap hooch to. Apparently Mr. Boston was the manufacturer of such classy spirits as Rocking Chair Whiskey, Old Mr. Boston's Mint Gin, and a peculiarly opaque lime vodka. Festive!

This record isn't much more than ten big-band tracks designed to ease you into a gimlet after you return from your terrible, terrible job. "...the glowing-est hour of the day. Yes, it's cocktail time, when relaxation's the magic word and when, perhaps, the presence of someone special this time of day is even nicer, even dearer."

Does whiskey count as someone special?




This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
crickets - A sweet way to describe the sound of brutal silence when someone tells a joke that fails.

Origin - People who should not say the things they insist on saying.

Usage - "Oh, dude. I met this great girl the other night. She was from Idaho."

"Did you give her your patented 'Idaho? No! You da ho!' bit?"

"I did, dude."


"Dude, mad crickets."


This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Signs You Are A Classy Bum:

10. You can point out the unique bouquets of any and all gristle
09. You never drink your Night Train straight out of the bottle - it's a discarded Slurpee cup or nothing
08. You say things like, "That foul odor you detect seems to be emanating from my direction. It appears as though I have shat my trousers. A thousand apologies."
07. The afro pick with which you strain food particles from your beard says it all
06. You refuse to sleep under any overpass that has been used as a toilet in the last half hour or so
05. You always wash your bread bag shoes in a toilet before placing them on your feet - it's basic hygiene
04. You only intentionally hang your balls out of your fly on holidays
03. Open sores are always covered with masking tape
02. Sure, you're the Messiah, but you're not one of those dieties that goes around forcing your beliefs on people
01. You only use name-brand garbage sacks as ponchos


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