07.11.10
Gome of the Week
Lemme get this straight: Party Down gets canceled one week, and then yanked from Netflix the next?
Man, they really don't want people to see this show, do they?
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Lost Boys: The Thirst Official Trailer - Feldman, you've outdone yourself.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
New World Disorder (1999)
Ah, the mid-to-late 90's. So much promise of a virtual cyber-world in which we'd all be wearing bulky wraparound glasses and linked-up elbow-length gloves, just so we could touch some cyber-tit. It was to be magical. And every night, when I strap on my VR gear and make sweet love to my virtual girlfriend (NSFW), I thank all the microchips in Silicon Valley that it all came true.
But, back in 1999, it only existed in the movies. Computer-based crime thrillers were still hot shit, because a lot of folks weren't savvy enough to realize that none of the things that happened in these movies was even remotely possible. Crystal-clear video chat? That still barely exists. Anyway, I could bore you to death with the technical details of this flick. The point that I'm trying to get across is that Andrew McCarthy needed a paycheck.
So, he grew a goatee, faked some Chinese symbol tattoos on his neck, and got a labret piercing. Next thing you know he's downloading this and uploading that, and carrying two semiautomatic machine guns around and wasting fools with 'em. Not bad, Clay. McCarthy plays Bishop, the main bad dude in a small group of thugs who are trying to steal a priceless encryption program (yeah, yeah, it makes no sense). A bloated Rutger Hauer plays the veteran cop who drinks vodka for breakfast and has never seen a computer before. He teams up with a young ladycop who knows her way around a 56K modem, and together, they aim to take down Bishop and his zip drive-toting freaks.
Of course they do, but not before Andrew McCarthy turns in one of the most hilarious performances of his life. Yes, he's quite the badass. Watching him choke out a diminutive female rave promotor was tough to believe, but so was the fact that his career had sunk this low. I guess it's a wash. I kid, of course, because I actually enjoyed the shit out of this movie. It moved quick, and it was the kind of flick where the bad guys drive dirt bikes through houses. I can get with that. And yes, the cover is metallic silver. And yes, the videotape is bright yellow. Cyber!
Watch the trailer and admit that you kind of want to see this.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
J. Vernon McGee - Why Do God's Children Suffer? (197?)
Poking fun at religious kooks is a bit lazy; I'll admit it. But man, what's with the grim photo of the guy in the wheelchair on the cover? And really, he's by the window, he seems to be conscious - I think he just might be really old. How much suffering are we talking about here?
This record, of course, is unbelievably creepy. McGee sounds about 90, and he speaks with such accusatory vigor that you wonder what the fuck his problem is with humanity. And then he tells you: you're probably a little stupid, and you need to really pray the shit out of those prayers. Or at least that's my summation, in a nutshell, after having listened to about three minutes of this nut.
I remain infatuated with the cover.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Abraham Slinkon - A sweet thing to call yourself when you use a Slinky as a beard.
Origin - Gerald Tibbons.
Usage - "Oh, dude. This Slinky has provided me hours of fun."
"Dude, you have taken a classic toy and introduced it to the 21st Century."
"Dude, now there is only one thing left to do: wear it on my face."
"Dude, from now on, I will refer to you only as Abraham Slinkon."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs You Are Living In An 80's Sitcom:
10. The kid nextdoor keeps coming over unannounced, never knocks, and makes no secret about his desire to bang your daughter. You see no problem with any of this
09. You always come up with professional-grade Halloween costumes, even though you're constantly struggling to make ends meet
08. Your kids each have one black friend
07. Your 50-ish parents just birthed a miracle baby that went from infant to four-year-old over the summer
06. Your friends try to peer-pressure you into taking drugs, but give up for good after 22 minutes
05. Your dreams are surprisingly linear, often witty, and accompanied by a timely laugh track
04. Your children can't wait to turn 18, so they can live at home while going to the local state college
03. Your maid not only does your laundry, she also dispenses priceless life advice and is up for adventures and shit
02. You throw parties for your high school friends, and they go crazy and trash your parents' house even though there's no alcohol in sight
01. You take great pride in your well-tended astroturf
Cancel One Career
