Gome of the Week
Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64?

Depends on whether this Expendables movie is any good, I suppose.

Happy birthday, Sly.










This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
iPhone 4 Video - The Deleted Scenes - I have been laughing at this for a week straight now. Join me, won't you?


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
A Tiger's Tale (1987)

C. Thomas Howell, high off the completely inappropriate fumes of Soul Man, took his career in a totally different direction for his next role. In doing so, he beat River Phoenix to the cool-guy-banging-old-ladies punch, by starring in this flick a full year before A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon would hit theaters. It would, of course, be the beginning of the long, downhill slide for Howell, on his way to full-fledged punchline status. (For the record, I sort of like the guy. He's embraced his B-movie status, and I appreciate that.)

Howell plays the unfortunately named Bubber Drumm, and he falls for the even more unfortunately named Rose Butts, played by Ann-Margret, who had clearly been doing some serious Jazzercise before taking the role. Sadly, she doesn't do any full-frontal, but you get some shadow boob, so that's pretty good. Oh, but here's the thing: Butts is Drumm's ex-girlfriend's mom. Yowsa! To make it more believable, Drumm admits that he's 19 and that he got held back in third grade. Yes, he's a sharp one. The point, though: he's still in high school.

His ex-girlfriend is played by Kelly Preston, who does the drama-queen teenager thing well. (Want to know how random this movie is? Preston gets topless in this flick and there are no photos of it on the internet. Of course, it's never been released on DVD, so maybe that's why. But these pervs usually find a way...) Also featured are a beefed-up William "Johnny Lawrence" Zabka and Sean Patrick Flannery in his first movie role. (He does not speak, and his screen time is about nine seconds.) Anyway, the plot is ridiculous - Drumm's got a pet tiger, for cryin' out loud - but that actually made it fun to watch. Howell slips in and out of a southern accent throughout, and wrestles his tiger while shirtless. Yep, it was that kind of movie.

Watch the shit out of the trailer.



This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Nature's Mystic Moods - The Sounds of The Storm and The Sea (1975)

Never has so much care been put into capturing the sounds of water sloshing around, and never will you feel such an urge to urinate while attempting to relax. Between the waves crashing and the rain drip-dropping, this thing is a guaranteed peefest.

I've got to hand it to them, though: the recordings are top-notch. Apparently they were captured with state-of-the-art quadrophonic portable recording equipment, making sure that when you blazed up and listened to this record, you'd feel like you were actually being rained on.

They also frame it as an alternative to taking a vacation: "Forget the expense of vacations, aspirins and tranquilizers and lose yourself in the sounds of a better place to be..." Yes, the rising cost of tranquilizers must always be considered.

Check some samples of the sweet sounds here.




This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
sun's out, guns out - A sweet way to legitimize your tank-top or other sleeveless apparel.

Origin - This dude I overheard at a picnic last week.

Usage - "Oh, dude. Your sleeveless tee is really taking your bro-ness to a whole new level."

"Dude, when the weather is warm, I enjoy exposing my arms."

"Dude, well put. That confident attitude will surely take you far."

"Dude, you know my motto: sun's out, guns out."



This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Things I Spotted During My 4th of July Weekend:

10. A dude lighting an American flag bong for a bald eagle because he couldn't flick the Bic with his talons
09. Two oiled-up guys shooting bottle rockets out of the urethras of their boners
08. A one-man kielbasa-eating contest that ended with the traditional gurney ride of defeat
07. A true hero eating her weight in red-white-and-blue tortilla chips
06. Frat boys using roman candles as wangs and playfully shooting the flaming balls into each others' mouths
05. Canadians getting in on the action. Fuckin' posers
04. A guy getting mad meta by watching the movie Independence Day while reading Independence Day by Richard Ford and listening to "Independence Day" by Elliott Smith
03. The look of disappointment on the face of children when they realize they have at least 40 more of those fucking growing snake ash-fest discs to light
02. Multiple burn victims who just couldn't let those fallen weenies die in the fire
01. Uncle Sam drinking a Tequiza. That ain't right


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