Gome of the Week
Crunkcore: avoiding the fads, and in it for the long haul.
See you in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, gents.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Awkward Family Pet Photos - As if there were any other kind.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Stray Bullet (1998)
Finally, the Fred Dryer/Robert Carradine team-up the cinema world had been clamoring for.
This is another one o' them "thriller" movies that I tend to end up watching, and like any bad straight-to-VHS suspense flick, there is no nudity. And, hey - I don't want to sound like a jerk, but look at that lady on the cover. She's going to dress like that and not show a little skin? Heck, that's not even a scene in the movie. Shocking, I know. But I hold no grudge. If I was 13 and movies like this were my only access to boobage, I would have been irked. But now that the internet has completely desensitized me to nakedness, I'm free to concentrate on the finer points of Robert "Main Nerd" Carradine's powerhouse performance. And that can't be good.
You know you're in trouble when Fred "Hunter" Dryer is given top billing, but I was actually looking forward to seeing some of that trademark Dryer badassery. Instead, he's in the movie for about four minutes, and during one of those minutes he's dead in a bathtub.
There were so many holes in this plot that I stopped believing the story before the opening credits were done appearing on the screen. Literally the first thing the main character does makes no sense. And though the remainder of the story was equally incomprehensible, it did involve money laundering, mistaken identity, rampant deceit, and late-game lesbianism. All good elements for a hammy thriller, but they were all so jumbled up that none of them were of any consequence. Still, seeing Carradine play the role of a puss magnet was entertaining enough, and the main bad guy was plenty oily, which is never a bad thing. Roger Corman produced this movie, but then again, it seems like he produces a solid 25% of all mid-budget flicks, so that's not really saying much.
Man, I've sat through some serious stinkers the past few weeks. I'm ready for something to wipe the slate clean.
Watch the trailer for this gem if you dare.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Göran Stenlund & Carl E. Olivebring - Swedish Ambassadors (196?)
I have so many records from this Word label that it's starting to get creepy. But with covers like these, I can't resist.
And really: who doesn't enjoy listening to two greasy Swedish guys sing Christian songs in slightly broken English? "Shall I Find Any Star?" is probably my favorite, though "I'm Gonna Walk on Gold" wins the award for the most delusional cut. But look at those two guys. They don't look like they're crazy at all, do they?
But I do have to say, "Olivebring" is a pretty sweet last name.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
small business owner - A sweet way to describe a dude who is lacking in the wang dept.
Origin - The Oat.
Usage - "Oh, dude. The ladies are in for a treat tonight. I am going to grease up my hair and get oily."
"Dude, you are glistening. Really almost soaking-wet looking. Way to go."
"Yes, dude, it's my night to shine. Literally."
"Though none of it changes the fact that you are, dude, underneath it all, an established small business owner."
"Dude, there's no reason to bring reality into this."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs You Drink Too Much Kool-Aid:
10. You've been rocking a red moustache for going on 26 years now
09. Reply to every question by flinging yourself through a plate-glass window and muttering "Ooooh Yeah!" before you lose too much blood to speak
08. Named your first-born son Sharkleberry
07. You keep a barrel of the cheapest granulated sugar in the middle of your kitchen
06. You'll concede that AIDS is a terrible disease, but you're secretly pretty stoked on the name for it
05. They named a new fruity-and-fun type of diabetes after you
04. You beat the shit out of one of your friend's moms when she dared to serve you Flavor-Aid
03. You tend to piss pure Pink Swimmingo
02. Constantly embroiled in message board arguments about whether the Kool-Aid man is a white guy or a black guy
01. You don't smoke Rock-a-Dile Red all the time, but you've hit that shit before
Cancel One Career