Gome of the Week
And here's why I hate professional sports.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Phoneballs - In a variety of colors to coordinate with the ones on your truck.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Giga Shadow (1997)
Wow. I had no idea of what I was getting myself into with this one. Looks like a shitty sci-fi flick starring Malcolm "Gimme Scale and Pay My Airfare and I'm There" McDowell, right? Lord knows there are plenty of those out there - I just figured this was one of the many.
And I was partially right. This is sci-fi, and it's certainly shitty. But it neither stars Malcolm McDowell, nor is it a movie. What it is, I came to find out, is the last two hours of the first season of a Canadian/German (try and figure that one out) television series called Lexx. Nowhere on the box does it mention that. But, you know, it was a short season, so I only missed the first six hours. Thankfully, they caught me up in the two-minute recap at the beginning, so rather than being completely lost, I knew that this one guy who looks like Edward Scissorhands was in need of some proto-blood. Why they were on a spaceship that looked like a cross between a dragonfly and a cock-n-balls, I may never fully understand.
McDowell gets stabbed in the neck in the first three minutes, lies presumably dead for the next 80, and gets reanimated only to yell for a minute and then lodge his head in this giant plastic sphincter. And that was one of the more normal things that happened during the excrutiating 93 minutes that this thing ran. Between the syphoning of proto-blood by the half-lizard pleasure slave and the talking brains that resided under translucent cassarole dishes, that made quite a bit of sense. Did I mention this was a Paramount video release with previews for major motion pictures before it?
In fact, I think this was a fairly popular show during its run. And it was so fucking nuts that I really don't find that hard to believe. If I was 19 and stoned, this would have been a lot better. So if that's you, take the plunge. You can watch the whole damn thing right here.
If anyone has any info on the roles that Malcolm McDowell has turned down, please let me know. I am seriously dying to know.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Joe Camp - Benji (1976)
Benji, you rascal.
So I'm sitting here listening to this and a scene where Benji and his girlfriend are sharing his bone is making me laugh. That, folks, is where my level of maturity is at.
"Benji offered her a taste of his bone..." You're killing me here, kid's record.
Seriously though, it's a nice little story and it features the original cast members from the movies that were released around the same time. And if you didn't cry at a Benji movie when you were a kid, then you're either heartless or not all old and shit like I am. Remember when Benji and Spuds MacKenzie fought to the death in that one movie? That was crazy.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Have good mosh-pitting! - A sweet way to send off people who are going to a rock show.
Origin - The Goat.
Usage - "Oh, dude. This rock show tonight is going to be tight. I hope they play some punk rock."
"Dude, you are going to get rocked six ways from Wednesday. Good thing you're wearing your Eve 6 shirt."
"Dude, they rock, and tonight, I too will rock."
"Dude, have good mosh-pitting!"
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Other Things Jeremy London Was Forced To Do At Gunpoint While Kidnapped:
10. Enjoy a double cheeseburger even though his recent cholesterol levels were through the roof
09. Huff Pixy Stix, when his captors knew full well that he can't sleep when he's had a ton of sugar
08. Explain to fucking everyone that he's not the one that was in Dazed & Confused
07. Make up wild stories about the backstage antics during those crazy Party of Five days
06. Cheat on his wife with someone who's way hotter than she is
05. Drink a large milkshake, when everyone knows he's lactose intolerant
04. Eat blow and talk about ways to get his career back on the up-and-up
03. Call his brother and see if he's interested in doing a version of The Parent Trap with thirty-something dudes
02. Eat white bread when he's always been a wheat man
01. Locate Brandi
Cancel One Career