06.13.10

Gome of the Week
One of my biggest pet peeves.

On the movie box or the movie poster, just put the name of the actor above the picture of the actor. I'm sure it has something to do with top billing or some such nonsense, but come on - it looks quite assy.

There are a million examples of this, but I came across this one while searching for more info on our featured movie this week. And it's a perfect depiction of this idiotic practice.

And how does Hugh Jackman not have top billing in this flick, if that is indeed the issue?

So many questions. Yet, this national tragedy continues.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Axe Cop - Written by a five-year-old, illustrated by his 29-year-old brother.

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Serial Killer (1995)

Before Tobin Bell played a cancer-ridden serial killer who's always talking about people's destinies in the Saw movies, he played a cancer-ridden serial killer who's always talking about people's destinies in this, a somewhat low-budget mid-90's thriller that probably did some serious business on cable.

Bell plays William Morrano, a murderer who enjoys popping his victims' eyeballs out of their sockets before he eventually kills them and does some taxidermy work on their corpses. Kim "This Round's On Me" Delaney (at her NYPD Blue-era hottest) plays Selby Younger, a criminal profiler who, in the first scene of the flick, cracks the case on Morrano and helps the police locate his lair of evil, also known as his mom's house. Morrano tracks Selby down at her apartment, almost kills her, and then gets shot and captured by her lover/cop partner Cole Grayson (played by Gary "The Guy Who Banged the Chick in the Stockroom in Roadhouse" Hudson).

We flash-forward to two years later, and Morrano has somehow qualified for an experimental cancer treatment program - even though he's on death row - in which he's wheeled around a hospital with only one orderly watching him. It doesn't take long for Morrano to butcher the orderly, hit the road, and start a mad spree of eyeball removal all over again. Of course, it's payback time for Selby, who has spent the last two years under the covers in her bed, being traumatized. Cole not only wants to make Morrano suck pistol, he also wants back in Selby's mid-90's red jeans with the high-waisted mom ass action. And who can blame him? Delaney, though clearly hungover in every scene, still looks quite solid.

This was clearly Bell's warmup for Saw, because he uses the same hilarious talk-whisper voice, and occasionally accentuates things with a potent scream. Total Jigsaw, bro. Oh, so his character eventually decides that he doesn't want to kill Selby. Instead, he'd rather impregnate her so their spawn can carry on his lecacy of murderousness. Selby fakes her own death (classic cable thriller move), Morrano doesn't buy it, and he ends up at her safe house where she tells him she saw a medical record that says he was sterile and he freaks out and Cole comes from the other room and ices him. So this is what they mean when they talk about thriller!

I got this tape from my friend's video store and somebody had recorded an episode of ER over the first three minutes of it, so I had to watch a bizarrely overdubbed version of the first few minutes in whatever language this is to get the gist of the beginning. The things I do for the good of this site.

 

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
The Pavelka Orchestra - The Pavelka's New Sound (1977)

When you think of an orchestra, does your mind quickly spring to visions of six dudes of variant ages in matching shirts playing polka? I know mine does.

The young guys up top there were added to the group after a few of the original members died from oldness. Needless to say, the 70's were a chick-free time for these chaps.

Though I suppose it's possible that their rousing polka rendition of "Rock Around the Clock" that closes out this set of traditional waltzes could have led to some panty dropping. The 70's was a wild time for Polka.

 

 

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
halfro - A sweet way to classify a dude with a receding hairline and an afro. See also: LBBT/skullet.

Origin - Art Garfunkel has been rocking that shit for years.

Usage - "Oh, dude. Your hair is getting pretty full and round there, though mostly around the sides and back."

"Dude, I've got a sweet clown thing going on, don't I?"

"Dude, don't try and downplay your halfro. There's no clowning around when it comes to that."

"Dude, you're right. I am a halfro man now."

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Reasons Jason Seaver Is Upset:

10. Mike and Boner had a party and Kristy Swanson brought like, a ton of blow
09. Carol won't take Bobby's letterman jacket off and it reeks like Drakkar
08. He left some Bic razors and Oxy 10 on Ben's nightstand, but the fucking kid just won't take the hint
07. Maggie won't get in the fuckswing anymore
06. When Mike said he was going to move out, he didn't think it meant above the garage! Where's the rent, Mike?
05. Carol and Sandy won't stop heavy petting in his office
04. Ben: deodorant, insoles - something. It smells like a rendering plant in here
03. Mike successfully predicted what was inside Carol's Christmas presents: an eating disorder to end all eating disorders
02. Shit Maggie, at least put the leather mask on!
01. Can't get anyone to show him that goddamned smile again

 

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