Gome of the Week
Try all you want, Hollywood.

There is no way to make Captain America look ungay.












This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Album Art Hall of Fame - All of 'em classics.


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Lights, Camera, Branson! (1996)

What a gem this turned out to be. Hosted with coked-up fervor by a paycheck-needing Willie Aames, this is an hour-long journey through the old-white-person entertainment capital of the world, Branson.

Aames rambles around the city in a multi-pocketed shirt fit for an African safari, interviewing the mainstays of Branson and attempting to convince you that Branson is heaven on earth. (In fact, they do feature a show - a musical with dance numbers, in fact - about the life and times of Jesus. So that's covered.) Tony Orlando almost loses his hairpiece while frantically gushing about how fucking sweet Branson is. He even goes so far as to call it a "utopia." The interview is interspersed with footage of Orlando in his theater leading sing-alongs with people who have apparently made a trip to Branson their dying wish.

You know who else has a theater in Branson? Yakov Smirnoff. They actually show him saying "What a country" in this thing. And the crowd went wild.

Turns out Bobby Vinton is a stone-cold prick. He just could not shut up about how talented he is. We get it: you play the sax. Jesus. He was one of many hairpieced old dudes making the white people go nuts in Branson. You've also got Andy Williams (frail, clearly senile), Glen Campbell (hammered), Wayne Newton (glistening), and The Osmonds who aren't Donnie or Marie (put those teeth away).

Did you know there are restaurants and hotel accomodations in Branson? Turns out you can pay for them with your GM Mastercard. I thought that was a fun fact. Also a fun fact: a guy that used to play banjo for Dolly Parton now plays banjo in Branson. There are also water slides and an Elvis impersonator who looks like he's 90. He had the best hairpiece of all. Well, he was right up there with Mickey Gilley. I also found out that Charley Pride has a theater there and he's the only black person to ever set foot in Branson. I thought that was neat.

Also neat: the Magnum PI statue in their wax museum. I could go on forever. This video was awesome. And Willie Aames found work. So everyone's a winner.



This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Don Simmons - Plays Swingin' Pipes (195?)

Though this would indeed make a great title for a gay porn movie, it's actually a local release from Portland pipe organ legend Don Simmons. This thing was recorded on the "four manual, eighteen rank Wurlitzer at the Oaks Park in Portland." No idea what that means, but clearly, this organ is huge (again with the gay porn!).

Simmons goes nutso on the ol' pipes, and considering this is 50 years old, the dude gets a little fancy. I'm just excited that it's still in its original shrink wrap. It was recorded at Sound Productions in Portland, which is now Portland Sports Medicine And Spine Physical Therapy. Oh, how times have changed.



This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
disco crap - Much like you would take a disco nap before you go out for the evening, you may also want to consider taking care of other business. Crapping business.

Origin - Fear of public restrooms.

Usage - "Oh, dude. I am going to super ultimate party tonight."

"Dude, you just got off work. Better get rested up for the big evening."

"Dude, I'm plenty rested. But other things are in the works. If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom for the next 45 minutes taking a monumental disco crap."

"Dude. Crap on."


This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Reasons I Need A Nap:

10. This five-speed manual transmission is just too much work
09. Need to rest up if I'm going to knock out a full season of 21 Jump Street on Netflix before morning
08. Hungry; don't want to go through the hassle of eating
07. I just need some time. Some time to get away. From all these rumors. I can't take it no more
06. Worn out from trying to decide if Robert Downey, Jr. is a genius or a raving lunatic
05. The cops can't barge in if I'm asleep. That's the rule, right?
04. According to Jim isn't on for another two hours
03. The hooker said the butt plug needs to stay in for at least six hours and I can't sit on it anymore
02. Sleepytime tea? I thought this was crunk juice!
01. Need to rest up for the big nap I've got planned for later


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