Gome of the Week
The black guy's all like, "I don't want my son marrying a Mexican girl!"

And the Mexican guy's all like, "I don't want my daughter marrying a black guy!"

And Hollywood's all like, "We don't know how to make a movie with people of color in the lead roles without resorting to base-level racial stereotyping!"

And I'm all like, "Forest Whitaker, I thought you were better than this!"

And he's all like, "Turns out I'm not."

And that's that.





This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Rare Brian Bosworth Photos - Watch him morph.


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Hard to Hold (1984)

I'm assuming this flick was meant to catapult Rick Springfield to mega-stardom, but the fact that he would never again star in a major motion picture shouldn't leave much mystery as how to that worked out. As usual, I am just infatuated with the fact that this movie got made, especially by a big studio. It is really that shitty.

The thing is - and legions of General Hospital fans will back me up on this - Springfield's really not a bad actor. He holds his own in this thing, and so does the rest of the cast, but the story and the script are just so asstastic that there's nothing to be done about it. Not even Springfield's trademark brand of shit-pop can save this thing from laying flatter than Rick's LBST on his neck nape.

Springfield plays James Roberts, the biggest rock star in the world. He sells out stadiums at night, and spends his free time enjoying vagina. But it's just not making him happy. After he runs his car into a professional-type lady, he falls instantly in love with her and decides to pitch some serious woo her way. But get this: she doesn't even like rock music! She likes Tony Bennett and super lame shit like that! How the fuck are these two ever going to get along?

You'll never guess what happens: they learn to love each other's differences! Crazy, I know. Then they fall in love, then they sort of grow apart, then her dad dies, then she decides to move to London or some shit, and then he chases her to the airport to stop her from leaving. Seriously. That scene is in this movie. Not surprisingly, the writer of this flick never worked again.

I love scenes in rock movies where they're trying to portray how huge a fictional band is. Watching a sea of people go apeshit over a shit song being fake-played by actors is just amazing. There's a lot of that in this movie. Of course, they are Rick Springfield originals. Sorry Rick.

Check the trailer here.


This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
The Sunday Night Singers - While You Are Young (1967)

Collecting old records about Jesus would be a great hobby. It's cheap, and there is no shortage of material. I have a nice little stack, but I only hold onto the oddities or ones that stand out for some reason. I just really liked the cover of this one. I also like the liner notes. While a lot of records like this get the point across in the songs, this one is heavy with both the lyrics and the explanations on the back.

Example: This is the breakdown for the song "A Reason to Be": Having discovered the dissolutionment of materialism, and the bankruptcy of a Christ-less religion, young people are often set adrift in an impersonal society." They then go on to describe Jesus as "credible." A lot of these songs assume that the listener is painfully lonely and in need of a pal. I don't know, these people look a little too eager to be your friend, don't they? They must have some ulterior motive.




This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Pitching Wu - A sweet variation on "pitching woo," where instead of trying to get a girl to sleep with you, you try to get her to like the Wu-Tang Clan.

Origin - The finishing schools of Shaolin.

Usage - "Oh, dude. My new girlfriend is almost perfect, but she has shit taste in music. It's rough for me, dude."

"Dude, that is an untight situation. What's your plan?"

"Dude, I've been pitching some serious Wu. I'll be like, 'Have you heard Deck? That dude's tight!,' or 'Let me make you a mix with all the dopest Masta Killa tracks on it!'"

"Dude, let's throw our W's up."


This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Reasons Why You're Considering Purchasing A New Tank Top:

10. Finally corn-rowed your shoulder hair and it's time to let that shit shine
09. You need something to tuck into your jorts
08. Looking forward to repeatedly making that Larry the Cable Guy "right to bare arms" joke and being the most hilarious person who ever lived
07. You're not saying sleeves are gay, but you're not saying they're not gay, either
06. Been looking to invest in some T&C Surf Designs wear for sometime now, particularly a Thrilla Gorilla print on either a coral or lime green large-arm-holed tank
05. Bitches love 'em
04. Need to show off your new tattoo of Calvin taking a leak on your ex-wife
03. You've become so fat that doctors have advised you that sleeves could constrict your blood vessels to the point where eventually your arms will just fall off
02. A tank top's low-slung collar better frames your gold necklace with the Loony Tunes pendant on it
01. Need something to wear under your summer vest


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