Gome of the Week
I woke up this morning and my uvula was the size of a small grapefruit and my tongue was bone-dry and shriveled.
Oh, and I had sweated through my t-shirt and boxers.
But otherwise, I was keeping it mad suave. You should have seen me sucking on ice cubes. The shit was erotic.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Start Wars - Some of these pictures are desktop-worthy.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Pfaff Presents: Hobbylock 783E, 784E, 786E (1990)
I bought this video at least a year ago, and I'd been saving it for a night when I didn't have the capacity to sit through a whole movie. Tonight was that night, and I finally unlocked the mysteries of this white-clamshelled tape that's been staring at me for months.
The problem with trying to write about a 30-minute sewing machine instructional video from 20 years ago - or I guess just this one in particular - is that while the concept isn't inherently funny, the guy who hosts this thing is, and there's no way for me to really get that across, and there's no way for me to show it to you. So I'm a bit bummed. But I'm going to keep going anyway. Hold on to your elastic stitching.
At the risk of sounding sexist, wouldn't you assume that the host of an instructional video like this would be a woman, or at least a man who wasn't visibly uncomfortable on camera? His suit doesn't scream creativity, but I suppose that workshop does. Either way, you haven't lived until you've seen this dude thread each of those three machines. It's big-time stuff. He'll hem the shit out of anything.
Like I said, attempting to capture this guy's demeanor is going to prove fruitless, but just picture the most boring man you've ever met telling you about what sort of seamwork he's into while also using the phrase "bridging, or faggoting" and then telling you what needle works best for lingerie work. It's just all too beautifully bizarre.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Citizen - Sex and Society (1980)
When you talk about shoulder pads and LBSTs, you've gotta talk about Citizen. Actually, I had no idea who these guys were before a few days ago, but they have since intrigued me quite a bit. Those outfits alone were enough to at least get me curious.
And with songs like "Nuclear Love," "Advertising (Rock! Rock!)," and "I Like You," they drew me in. They're like a strange mix of Billy Joel and Elvis Costello, but without the talent or the songwriting abilities.
That video is mind-blowing.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
nerdlinger - A sweet thing to call a nerd.
Origin - That crusty ol' dean.
Usage - "Oh, dude. Things are looking good for me. I am working on building my own avatar."
"Dude, that is so fucking weak."
"Dude, I'm going to finally be able to make love to myself. It is going to be super chronic."
"Rock on, nerdlinger."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten X-Rated Carnival Rides:
10. The Butthole Expander
09. The Taint Masher
08. AssFist 3000
07. Butt Plug Mayhem in 3-D
06. The Scrotum Opener
05. The Ascending Testicle
04. Nard Wars
03. Sack Justice
02. Hold On to Your Clit Rings
01. The De-Wombenizer
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