Gome of the Week
It's astounding that a dude this oily can get such great traction on ice.
You think he'd just be slipping all over the place.
You know, on account of his extreme oiliness.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
PG Porn - Finally, porn without all that pesky humping.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Escape From Galaxy 3 (1981)
Originally titled Giochi erotici nella 3a galassia (but also known as Space Trap and Star Crash II), this is overdubbed, low-budget, slightly erotic, unintentionally hilarious Italian sci-fi at its finest. There is, of course, never any mention of Galaxy 3, and the main characters never wear helmets. So, the cover (which features no photos of the film on the back and is one of those ones you have to open the flaps on to get to the cassette) is, once again, a flat-out lie. But I don't mind. I enjoy things that are shrouded in mystery.
After a space king - wearing a space crown on his space ship - refuses to back down to some evil dude who wants to kill him for some reason, he sends his daughter and his right-hand-man off to get some help. The evil dude blows up the ship, but the two escape. They end up on Earth, where they run into a post-apocalyptic tribe of toga-wearing heavy-petting freaks who teach them the ways of humans. (Even though they are, from all outward appearances, also humans.) Turns out this space duo has never eaten anything, taken a drink of anything, or - and get this - loved anyone. Awww. That's when the softcore feel-ups begin.
They can give in to sex in exchange for their immortality (how they know this is not explained), and boy do they. Apparently it doesn't affect their ability to shoot lasers out of their hands though, so that's cool. In between awkward group gropes ("What is this...kissing you speak of?"), the evil dude from the beginning tracks them down and sporadically shoots at them from his space ship. He eventually captures them, and as the girl agrees to be his slave, she kisses him, and her space lover shoots lasers from his eyes (apparently he could do that), which travel through her, into the evil guy, and turn him into a pile of ash. They then explain to the group of captured space kings (that were there for some reason) that they are heading back to earth to love each other some more. And that's where the credits would have rolled if there were any. But there weren't.
I think I've said it before, but when I run out of movies in my stash, I'm going to watch only Prism videos. I mean, look at this lineup.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Steven Halpern - Zodiac Suite (1977)
If you like your New Age music with a heaping helping of astrology, this is the record you and your dirty hippie burnout friends won't be able to stay awake to. As the artist himself puts it on the back of the sleeve, it's an "anti-frantic alternative to the noise pollution and stress-producing sounds that permeate our sonic environment." That's putting it mildly. This thing sounds like a nap.
The first side has a short track for each of the zodiac signs, so you can get your chakra just super fucking dialed in. Side 2 features "Blues for Arcturus," "Sea of Crystal," and "Cosmological Eye," which uncannily recreates that awkward moment when a chick you're trying to bang asks if she can "do your chart." Come on, bro. We've all been there.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
a serviceable rogering - A sweet way to not oversell a sexual experience.
Origin - Humble lovers everywhere.
Usage - "Oh, dude. Puss Run Oh-Ten continues."
"Dude, you are either to be admired or pitied. I can't decide which."
"Dude, if you would have seen the serviceable rogering I gave this girl last night, you would probably still remain confused."
"Sounds good. I'll remain on the fence, dude."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs You Have Winter Olympics Fever:
10. You keep frantically searching the web for nude photos of Bonnie Blair
09. You've taken time off from referring to Scott Hamilton as a "fruit" to listen intently while he drops knowledge about the intricacies of male figure skating
08. The female biathlon combines your three loves: chicks, guns, and rugged terrain
07. You keep asking your wife to dress up as a rosy-cheeked Bob Costas
06. Since that luge guy died, you've started calling it the "Death Sled" event
05. You've described Shaun White as "An inspiration to homely dirtbags everywhere"
04. You got a tattoo on your back of all four mascots - Miga, Quatchi, Sumi, and Mukmuk - having dirty group sex with each other
03. You claim to be able to predict how well Bode Miller's going to ski by how "blazed" he looks
02. When scolding your daughter, you ask her, "Do you think that's how Chinese short track speed skater Wang Meng would act? Well, do you?"
01. You've finally realized there's more to the moguls than hoping for a crash so some dude becomes a human, nut-busting pinball
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