Gome of the Week
Listen, I appreciate the thought behind the "We Are the World" remake.

But if they were letting Fonzworth Bentley and Nipsey Hussle on this track, who in the hell were they turning away? Didn't they used to have a bouncer at the door for this sort of thing?

I also heard that they thought about writing a whole new song, but Will.I.Am complained that he had no idea how to do that.




This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Selleck Waterfall Sandwich - It sure does.


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Forbidden Sins (1998)

I'm assuming this movie had an epic run on Cinemax, so maybe you're familiar with it. You know, it's that erotic thriller starring Shannon Tweed? Come on, you know which one I'm talking about. The one with the dicey plot and all the nudity? No, not Naked Lies. Nope, not Victim of Desire. Wait, which one are you thinking of? No, I think you're talking about Indecent Behavior, Parts 1-3.

This is the one where Tweed plays a high-powered attorney, hired by a man accused of murdering his stripper girlfriend who works at the strip club he owns. After plenty of footage of her stripping, we see him tie her up and do some weird sexual assault fantasy shit with her, and then - jump cut! - it's two days later and the cops are examining her corpse.

The cops think it's the strip club owner, but the cop might be crooked. He's also the ex-husband of Tweed, and might be out for some get-back. It's all very intense. Tweed's assistant (an oily dude) does some research, which includes banging one of the strippers the dead girl used to work with. The cop also bangs her, and so does the strip club owner. Tweed bangs the strip club owner (talk about attorney-client privilege!), only to find out that he's been using her the whole time and is really the monster everyone said he was. In between all of this is plenty of footage of the girls in the strip club in action. They know why you're watching this thing. That being said, Tweed's lone bone scene was pretty timid. What a bummer. How else am I going to see Shannon Tweed nude?

Watching Shannon Tweed play a power-suited attorney was worth the price of admission on this one. And it had been a while since I'd stayed up late to watch a softcore boob fest. You come for the toplessness, you stay to find out how convoluted and plot-hole-filled the ending will be. The ending on this one was a doozy.



This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Dan Crary - Lady's Fancy (1977)

The fact that this guy is an accomplished flatpick guitar player will always be overshadowed by the most sweeping combover the world has ever seen. And though the album is named after his two daughters, jerks like me will always think it's this dude's best attempt at getting tail.

Seriously: You should hear this guy play. He's good. Me? I'm a bad person for laughing at this dude.

Don't act like you're better than me.





This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Oh-Ten - A sweet thing to call our current year.

Origin - All the cool kids are saying the shit out of it. The "oh" means zero. I guess you could spell it O-Ten, too.

Usage - "Oh, dude. I am so stoked for Olympics Oh-Ten. That shit is going to be ultra tizzity."

"Dude, you know Picabo Street retired, right?"

"Dude, what? No more of her diamond turd cutter in that skin-tight, spider-webbed body suit? Dude, weak."

"Dude, you can dedicate your three weeks of not getting off the couch while Olympics Oh-Ten are on to the memory of Picabo. It will be super tight. Oh-Ten."


This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Things That Would Make Going To The Movies A More Pleasurable Experience

10. Individual waterbeds
09. Nozzles on the back of the chair in front of you that you could jab with your foot and it would just spray orange soda right down your gullet, you lazy bastard
08. Would it kill them to perforate a hole in the bottom of the popcorn tub to ease the awkwardness of first dates?
07. If someone was talking excessively, it would be sweet if "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan would come in, pause the movie, and pound the person's skull against an armrest while the rest of the theater counted to ten
06. A cool tip: Cram a roll of Necco wafers up your ass before the film, and spend the entirety of the movie playing edible change dispenser
05. A dedicated section for people who want to repeat every line that was just said in the movie. We'll block it off and call it the Echo Chamber
04. I don't know what Twizzlers are, but they sure ain't licorice. It's time for a Red Vine revolution
03. If Jonah Hill would stop being in them
02. If the high school girls selling me tickets would stop flirting with me so much. Control yourselves, ladies
01. Is this smell-o-vision technology ever going to become a reality? I bet that Sandy Bullock smells like a peach!


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