Gome of the Week
This may be the first time ever that someone could accurately accuse Greg Oden of acting like a teenage girl.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
A New Sith, or Revenge of the Hope - A Star Wars conspiracy theory that will make your nerdy head spin.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Genuine Risk (1990)
The 90's was a great time for half-baked Los Angeles crime-noir, and in that respect, this flick may have been ahead of its time. And I mean that sincerely. There was nothing supremely awesome about this movie, but it was surprisingly unsucky. And that's saying a lot, considering it stars Peter "Straight from Cop Land to Corky Romano" Berg, who I have a hard time looking at for a full 90 minutes. Dude's mouth is just a jumbled, clicky mess.
Berg plays a down-on-his-luck gambler (is there any other kind?), who needs to recoup some of the money he lost at the track. He takes a gig in "collections" with an old buddy of his, and before he knows it, he's killed a dude. If that ain't enough, he starts banging the wife of the guy that hired he and his collecting friend. The guy in question is played by Terence "Can We All Agree That The Limey Was a Little Overrated?" Stamp, who works the fuck-all psychopath angle by constantly threatening to cut off body parts and feed them to the person from which they would theoretically be removed.
Since this is a mid-budget, semi-independent movie that was filmed in the greater Los Angeles area between the years 1987-1998, Max "I'm Right Up the Street and I'll Work for Scale" Perlich has a minor role. He plays a crooked, gun-wielding horse jockey, which isn't something you see every day. It's the role the little guy was born to play.
In all honesty, this ended up being one of the better movies I've watched for the site recently. There was some solid violence, some hilarious-but-supposed-to-be-serious threats from Stamp, and people returning pages from their bulky beepers by use of rotary phone. Man, I miss the early 90's.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Laura Johnson, B.S. - Simplified Lummi Stick Activities (1976)
The idea here is that your young child holds a cylindrical rod in each hand, and then follows along with this record, which is filled with instructions on when and where to knock them together. As you can see on the cover there, there's some under-the-leg moves - shit gets pretty fancy. And you should see the 20-page, illustrated manual that comes with it. It's pure stick-bashing madness.
However, my favorite part of this record is their unabashed use of highly copyrighted songs. They do uncredited covers of "Sesame Street," "The Wizard of Oz," "It's a Small, Small World," and the "Mickey Mouse March," where the narrator keeps saying, "Mickey says tap your sticks." Mickey didn't say that, and he ain't gonna be happy when he finds out about this, fool.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
commode mouth - A sweet way to classify someone who swears too much.
Origin - Who the hell made this up? You just answered your own question with that commode mouth.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I have now seen Avatar six times. I frantically beat off for the duration of the film the last four times I saw it. Have you ever pulled root in 3-D, dude? It's the bomb-ass chronic."
"Dude, are you finding the world to be a depressing place, now that you have spent so much time in Avatar-land?"
"Hell no, you gay dude. The world is fucking super tight right now because I have Avatar fever and the only cure is seeing the shit out of Avatar for a seventh time and possibly adding in some anal beads this time around. Dude, it's going to be shit-ass trump-teezy."
"Dude, do the Avatarians all have such commode mouths? Don't shame your new family."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Reasons Why Now, More Than Ever, Our Nation Needs Cop Rock:
10. All the singing on TV these days seems to be done by fruits, limp-wrists, and a variety of fairies
09. There's something missing from our collective consciousness, and it's a gruff detective belting out a bland R&B tune after he beats a perp with a phone book
08. Our young adults have been raised in a sporadic, cable-only Cop Rock world. It's time to bring it back to the masses
07. A song always means so much more coming from a guy with a thick mustache gripping a revolver
06. Maybe we all forgot about that time that Cop Rock ended racial profiling
05. It makes getting pulled over so much more fun when you can ask the officer if he's "one o' them rockin' cops"
04. I can't remember the words, but that one song about rubbing out the mouthy hooker was super catchy
03. When it comes to replicating the sound of a conga drum, a prison snitch's head slamming against cell bars is hard to top
02. I asked some dude the other day if he was ready to rock, and he said "Hell yeah!" Then I asked him if he was ready to Cop Rock, and he was like, "Sure! Sounds good!"
01. Let's face it: our level of respect for public servants is just way too high right now
Cancel One Career