Gome of the Week
I'm not sure if I've ever been this concerned for the youth in America.
I mean, if this is what they're up against, they don't stand a chance.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
The Nerdiest Sweater Vest in the World - I would like one of these, please. Somebody get knittin'.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Love and a Bullet (2002)
I don't know why I thought this movie would do anything other than chuggle nards for a solid 90 minutes, but I clearly had un-low expectations for it. I knew it wouldn't be great, but I thought there might be something to it. I've had it for months, and I had actually been saving it, waiting for the right time to treat myself to a night of Treach wasting fools with his big gun there.
(Side note: This may take the prize for most phallic use of a firearm on a straight-to-video movie cover ever. It would also be nominated in the Most Unoriginal Tagline category.)
Treach plays Bishop (any Juice fans out there, feel free to scoff at this point), a heartless hitman who shoots dudes in the face for money. After flying off the handle and killing some guys who he was not supposed to kill, he gets kicked out of his crew and then recruited by the crew of the dudes he killed. Because he's just that good. His new hitman posse is a gang of quirky killing machines who all have some defining characteristic that helps us keep track of who they are. (One's the kung-fu guy! One's the angry guy! One's the old dude who don't take no mess!)
Even though Bishop is trained to shoot skulls apart and never think twice, there's one thing his cold, black heart cannot ignore: boo-tay. He falls for the girlfriend of his new boss (even though he has never talked to her), and also starts banging this chick who he refers to as a "government cleaner (hitwoman) who doesn't even really exist." Ugh. He eventually ends up whacking the boss's girl against his instructions, and then takes out each dude from his crew, one-by-one, in some of the most over-stylized action-porn sequences I've ever seen. In fact, the whole movie's like that. Or at least it tries to be like that. Lots of quick cuts and jacked-up sound effects. And dialogue that hurts to listen to. After Bishop finds out that he got his hitwoman girlfriend pregnant, and that she's still been out killing people, he asks her how she's doing it. Her response: "You try waking up with morning sickness every day and see if you don't feel like blowing somebody's head off." Yikes.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
United States Air Force Academy - Protestant Cadet Choir, 1985-1986 (1986)
I feel slightly privileged to have this, because on the back it clearly states: "Not for Sale. This recording is for the sole use of the members of the Protestant Cadet Choir." Promo only, bro!
This is a large group of cadets (a "choir," if you will) singing songs about being in the Air Force. And Jesus. They also sing about Jesus quite a bit. I think I prefer the Air Force songs. "Salute to Those Who Fly," "Armed Forces Medley," and "High Flight" are all strong tracks. The rest of it just creeps me out. However, the liner notes indicate that the choir was only allotted one hour a week to practice, so hey, they sound pretty good for that. Apparently they would take their act around to high schools and use it as a recruitment incentive. I would really like to see how that went over.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Twiddleyerballsack, South Carolina - A sweet place to be from if you're a hillbilly.
Origin - I mentioned the one in Oklahoma - the home of Stupid University - about eight years ago (!), but there's also one in SC.
Usage - "Oh, dude. We are full-on into the new year now, and I am really getting my year on."
"Dude, way to year it up. What have you been working on?"
"Dude, I've just been drinking generic orange soda and obnoxiously misquoting bits from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Get it done!"
"Dude, I think it's time you set up shop in Twiddleyerballsack, South Carolina. They'll love you there."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Best Parts of Avatar, A Movie Which I Have Not Seen:
10. When Sigourney Weaver puts out a cigarette on her tongue and then says, "They call me The Extinguisher."
09. The Flavor Flav cameo. He plays the Avatar who likes to get the crowd hyped
08. That part when the one guy is like, "I've heard of blue balls, but this is ridiculous!"
07. That one action sequence where like a distracting amount of shit is happening all at once
06. The part that they stole from Ferngully. It was like line for line, bro!
05. When Leo DiCaprio was flying the shit out of that plane. Wait, that was The Aviator.
04. When the one Avatar kept talking about how much he liked the new Avatar Extreme Blue Slurpees from 7-11
03. About two minutes in, when I realized it wasn't going to be about message board aliases. Whew!
02. Towards the end, I'm pretty sure you can see Jar Jar Binks fucking around in the background
01. If you stick around until after the credits roll, there's this really weird scene where James Cameron is having sex with himself in an olympic-sized pool full of money
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