Gome of the Week
Hey, this Throwback Pepsi idea is pretty cool.
You know what would have been a lot cooler?
If they didn't say "Throwback" in big yellow banners all over the damn thing. Seems to sort of defeat the purpose.
Once again, Pepsi has dropped the ball. It's like the Crystal Pepsi fiasco all over again.
Prediction: They'll be out of business by July.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Identity Design: Elyse Van Fleet - I have no idea who this girl is, but she's got some sweet new logo designs for us.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
The Breaks (1999)
Long before Malibu's Most Wanted, there was another equally awful movie about a white guy who - get this - acts like he's black! As you can probably imagine, there is no shortage of "Oh no he dih-ent!" moments throughout the brutalizing 83 minutes of this crap factory.
One thing of note, before I go any further: The guy who stars in this film (and also wrote it), Mitch Mullany, just died a few years ago, so I do feel a little bad about making fun of this movie. It was his one big film break. And it's good that he had that. I'm just saying.
Here's the basics of the plot: Derrick is a white kid, raised by a black family in Compton. You don't find out how that came to be until the last ten minutes of the film, which is just one of the huge flaws here. Anyway, he gets caught by his mom having sex with a girl in her house while she's at church. She kicks him out, and he soon finds out it was the local drug dealer's girlfriend. After being picked up by his friend Chris (Carl Anthony "Cole/Cockroach" Payne) while on the run from the drug dealer and his mob, the two find themselves wrapped up in some crazy adventures, y'all!
These include swimming in a piss-filled pool, getting ball-gagged and almost ass-raped by some offensively stereotypically gay pawnshop owners, getting into a wreck with some Asians (you know Asians can't drive, yo!), and hassling some hos until their pimp shows up. It was all a little high-brow for me, but after I watched it a second time, I caught some of the subtle nuances that I failed to pick up on the first time around.
As with any terrible "urban" comedy made a decade ago, the hip hop cameos are in full effect. Xzibit, WC, Eightball, and E-40 all make appearances. George Clinton also shows up, in a scene he randomly shares with Gary Payton (?). Oh, and both of Chris Farley's brothers are in it as racist cops. And in a hilarious turn of events, the drug dealer ends up turning into a flaming homosexual. Classic. I guess when two of the three previews before the flick were for Ice-T movies I'd never heard of, I should have known what I was getting myself into.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Arthur H. "Red" Motley - Nothing Happens Until Somebody Sells Something (1960)
I was yapping just a few weeks ago about how much I love old salesman training records, and I must have willed this LP into my grasp. I went to a thrift store I haven't been to in five years, and found this and three other albums from the Businessmen's Record Club. Got 'em each for a quarter. This is the first one in the series, a live recording of Motley here giving a speech that scares the shit out of me. He's a go-getter, and if you can't keep up with him, you'll be left in the fucking dust, you has-been. I would be the worst salesman ever. And that's why I love these records.
One bummer: they originally came with books containing text of the entire LP, but those are missing. But this one still had an original order form for more records from the club, so that's pretty sweet.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
You might as well get "dishwasher" tattooed on your face - A sweet thing to say to somebody who gets a face tattoo.
Origin - My friend Nica. This idiot reminded me of the hilarious phrase.
Usage - "Oh, dude. A new year brings many new ideas. And what better way to start fresh than with a sweet new face tattoo?"
"Dude, you would be the most individual individual who ever individualed."
"Dude, I know. I'm thinking maybe I should get a tribal headband, or maybe some cock chops."
"Dude, you might as well get "dishwasher" tattooed on your face."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Ways In Which This Is Shaping Up to Be the Best Year Ever:
10. Found a fiver in the purse of a prostitute who O.D.'d in my bathroom
09. The new Karate Kid movie promises to make the next year endlessly unbeatable. You truly are the best around, Will Smith's kid
08. John Frusciante is finally free to go out and record some more of his trademark, radio-ready pop hits. Can another "Your Pussy's Glued to a Building on Fire" be far away?
07. Unless I'm way off, I see a Leno/Conan cage match in my future. They'll call it The Host is Toast!
06. This will be the first year in a decade without According to Jim. It's a great time to be alive
05. Artie Lange has once again proven that he is unkillable
04. Looked around at the mirror this morning, realized that my ass hair is now directly connected to my back hair
03.The release of Legion is right around the corner. Let's hear it for angels toting semi-automatic weaponry!
02. Mark McGwire has finally come clean about something that everyone already knew in hopes that he would, what, make things right with Jesus? You so crazy, Big Mac!
01. Did somebody say mid-term elections? Holla!
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