01.03.10

Gome of the Week
Soundgarden's heading out on tour, John Frusciante just quit the Chili Peppers, Nirvana recently released two albums, and James Cameron has a technologically advanced movie that's doing great guns in theaters everywhere.

Folks, it's the early 90's all over again. Let's embrace it. Except for the Soundgarden part.

 

 

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Bullet Proof Baby - Awww. Baby's first taser.

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Cyber Bandits (1995)

You don't hear the word "cyber" much anymore, do you? In the mid-90's it was all the rage, as computers got faster, the internet started to exist, and 3-D rendering began to suck less. But inevitably, it all revolved around "virtual reality," where you don some huge goggles that magically transport you to a incredibly realistic beach where you get to have cyber sex with an out-of-your-league virtual skank.

Yes, that scene was in this movie. A couple times, actually. Apparently it's every man's fantasy to fuck on the beach while never actually moving from his stool at the cyber dance club that Adam Ant hipped you to. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I didn't catch in what year this story was supposed to be taking place, but paper money no longer existed. However, CDs and Macintosh computers still did. So it was a little confusing. It didn't really matter. Jack Morris (no, not 1991 World Series MVP Jack Morris, this guy is a cyber navigator played by Martin "The Bass Player for Spandau Ballet" Kemp) is working aboard a ship run by the devious Morgan (Robert "Fuck It, I'm Rocking a Chinstrap Beard In This Flick" Hays), who has secret cyber plans to gain access to the world's most dangerous gun. He has the data needed to activate it; a weird scientist guy (played by a financially depleted Henry Gibson) has the actual gun, which reveals itself to be not much more than a lead pipe with some lights on it.

Anyway, Morgan's captive fuckslave (Alexandra "The Flat-Chested and Wise One on Baywatch" Paul gets fed up with him beating her, and she steals the plans, runs off with Morris, and if there was any excitement in this movie, that is the point where it would have ensued. Instead, it trudged along with minimal violence, minimal space nudity, and not much of a story, because the two people with the plans didn't know what they were for. So, it was kind of like they were just dicking around. Thankfully, Grace Jones shows up about halfway through and acts completely batshit crazy for the rest of the film. It was a stretch for her, but by god, she pulled it off.

And in the end, the world was saved, and Robert Hays was sent to cyber hell. Along with his career.

 

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Merrill Womach - I Believe in Miracles (1967)

If you're a fan of weird records, you might be familiar with ol' Merrill here. This album cover sometimes makes the rounds when odd LPs are talked about. I didn't realize this was the same guy when I picked this up last week. I was just intrigued by the mention of miracles next to a drawing of a plane crashing. Turns out, Merrill was flying that plane, and he got burned over most of his body when it went down.

The inner gatefold of this record (that I had to peel the original shrink off to get to) explains in great detail not only the specifics on the crash, but also how Merrill sang all the way to the hospital, and continued to sing until he got his skin graft surgery. (He was singing about Jesus, if you didn't catch that already.) The music here isn't much more than him singing terribly, but the story inside is freaking me out a little. A welcome addition to my collection.

 

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Sup deed? - A sweet way to completely mispronounce "What's up, dude?"

Origin - Choad handlers.

Usage - "Oh, dude. The holidays are over. It's time to use my Axe extreme loofah and go chase tail."

"Dude, weak. I mean really. You could not be more oily."

"Dude, are you trying to start some trouble? I mean, really, sup deed?"

"Sup with you, deed?"

"Deed, I just want to get extreme with my loofah. It has handles."

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Ways I Ushered In The New Year:

10. Asked the hooker to remove the belt from my neck so we could count down in unison
09. Took all my food containing white flour and sugar and heaved it over the fence into my neighbor's yard
08. Sat in the dark watching a bootleg copy of Avatar online while frantically masturbating
07. Got into message board arguments about whether this is really the beginning of a new decade or not, because you know, if there was no year zero, then I mean, really, if you want to get technical, then the new decade doesn't start until next year, you know, I'm just saying
06. Wondered if all this Y2KX hype was real or just paranoia
05. Watched that New Year's episode of Webster where the little guy gets all fucked up on horse tranquilizers
04. Found a high school party, strolled in with my four-pack of wine coolers, took my shirt off, and asked if anyone wanted to arm wrestle
03. Alphabetized all my Treat Williams DVDs
02. Spent a good portion of the evening staring into the mirror while fiendishly licking my knife blade
01. It's the one time of year I treat myself to a canola oil jacuzzi

 

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