12.20.09
Gome of the Week
The only thing worse than a flash mob is a Santa-fied flash mob.
2003 called, it wants its stupid idea back.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Ugly Christmas Lights - They sure are.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Don't Open Till Christmas (1984)
This is the only non-porn DVD I've ever seen that has nudity in the scene that loops on the menu screen. I can understand having sexy photos on the back of the box, or sexified scenes in the trailer to pique your interest, but this DVD is so insecure about you not watching it even when you've actually got it in your DVD player that they keep enticing you with the boobage. Me? I was going to watch it anyway, but it did get me a little more amped up about the whole idea.
1984. London. I think. They had accents that sounded London-ish. Regardless, a killer is on the loose. His prey? People dressed up as Santa. His preferred tools of murder? Knives, straight razors, and something that looked like a javelin that was apparently sharp enough to pierce a human skull. The plot? Shaky at best. The acting? Not nearly as bad as I had feared. The murder scenes? Fantastic. Every single one of 'em.
Until you've seen a drunk guy in a Santa suit splayed out in a pool of his own blood while his eyeball oozes out of its socket, you haven't properly celebrated the holiday. There was an inordinate amount of eyeball loss in this film, now that I think about it. But the best kill was the least plot-driven, and of course, the most gratuitous. At one point, the killer (who remains esconced in shadows during the majority of the film) follows a portly Santa into a bathroom, where he proceeds to cut the dude's dick off with one quick slice of the straight razor. The blood spurting onto the urinal will be burned into my mind forever, and I will never be able to look at a corpulent Santa in the same way again. Christmas is ruined for me.
There is a loose plot to this film, but its attempts to be sly are weak, and the whodunnit aspects of it don't amount to much. You figure out pretty quick who's behind the killings. It's the lonely, drifter-looking guy whose eyes bulge out his face like a low-rent Marty Feldman. In the end, there's a half-assed flashback that accounts for all the killing (he walked in on his dad, dressed as Santa, banging some broad that wasn't his mom), but it just slows down the bloodbath, which is no good. Luckily, the film ends with the killer's brother opening the "Don't open till Christmas" package he received early in the film. It's a music box that's also a bomb and it blows the left side of his face off as the credits begin to roll. Awesome.
Also awesome: The only bonus feature on the DVD is "Pics," and it's not much more than still frame captures of the topless scenes from the movie. Pure class.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Six Million Dollar Man - Hear 4 Exciting Christmas Adventures (1978)
You know what's better than Lee Majors? A dude impersonating Lee Majors for a Christmas-themed Six Million Dollar Man adventure LP.
This is possibly the best fifty cents I spent during this whole holiday season. Four separate stories, plenty of chances for the Six Million Dollar Man to get all bionic (which means you get to hear that sweet bionic man sound), and lots of corny dialogue that has to make up for the fact that you can't see what's happening.
I couldn't help but think of the first scene from Scrooged during the entire thing, though.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
XXXmas - A sweet way to spend Christmas: by only watching Christmas-themed porno.
Origin - Trollops in Santa hats.
Usage - "Oh, dude. It's almost Christmas time. Better get ready for the big day."
"Dude, are you still going to make it a XXXmas?"
"Dude, you got that right. Now hand me my red and green Fleshlight."
"Dude, you are incredibly festive, and also scaring me a little."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things I Better Find In My Stocking On Christmas Morning Or Else Christmas Will Suck:
10. A red and green Fleshlight
09. The Santa Clause: The Criterion Collection
08. That hilarious shirt I saw at Spencer's in the mall that hinted at the fact that I chow beav anytime, anywhere
07. A heavily sedated cobra of some kind
06. A collapsible bike. Stuff that shit in there
05. One of those chocolate oranges that breaks into wedges when you hold it in your fist and punch somebody in the back of the head with it
04. One of them Brut gift sets with the soap on a rope
03. Gold fronts that spell out "ORAL B"
02. An IHOP breakfast in a Ziploc bag
01. New Juggalo makeup. I'm running mad low, ninja!
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