12.13.09

Gome of the Week
I'm getting a little tired of people calling for the cancellation of The Simpsons.

You don't like it? Don't watch it.

Just don't call me while I'm watching it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Sketchy Santas - Creepy St. Nicks.

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure (2003)

Apparently I've had my head in the sand, because I just found out this existed. But man, I didn't waste any time. I got right in there and watched the shit out of this thing!

So, before we get into what a terrible movie this obviously is, I'll mention a few things. First off, this is a made-for-TV movie, and one that's clearly aimed at kids. Or maybe the functionally retarded. Either way, this makes the original Christmas Vacation seem flat-out high-brow.

I'll also tell you something you already know: Cousin Eddie, when taken in small doses and bounced off of Clark Griswold, is a great vehicle for some sub-plot fart humor. Cousin Eddie, with no Clark, and given the task of carrying a picture all by himself, just wasn't gonna work. You know it, I know it, Randy Quaid probably knew it. But dude's got to get paid.

The plot is simple: Eddie's working at a nuclear testing facility as a lab rat, and he's attacked by a chimp. Instead of risking a lawsuit, the company sends him and his family on a complimentary vacation to a tropical island. Since they've been living with Audrey Griswold, they take her too, along with their uncle (played by the always-at-death's-door Ed Asner). They take a boat ride when they get there, shit goes haywire, and they end up stranded on a deserted island. Hilarity ensues. If you're a five-year-old.

The whole time I was watching this movie I was astounded by how much the girl playing Audrey looked like the Audrey from the original Vacation, the first one. Turns out, some twenty years later, Dana Barron decided to reprise her role. Not the triumphant return to the franchise that one would hope for, but that casting was easily my favorite part of this movie. That, and when the dog kept farting!

 

 

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Little Marcy - Christmas with Marcy (1970)

Marcy is a puppet/doll/Jesus freak, and is currently haunting my dreams. I've listened to this record a couple times now, and her squeaky voice has quickly morphed into something that I can easily picture as being the last thing I hear before she drives a knife into me, Chucky style.

But beyond that, this is a fun little holiday record. Marcy runs through some Christmas classics, and really champions the Bible. She just won't shut her little wooden jaw about the wise men. We get it: they were wise. Fuck.

Of course, Little Marcy is really voiced by a big Marcy, a lady who is equally creepy looking. It makes it all even more frightful. But I can't stop listening.

 

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
groundscore - A sweet way to describe when you find something on the ground.

Origin - Dirty, dirty hippies. Shoreline, 1988.

Usage - "Oh, dude. It's almost Christmas time. I really need to get gifts for people."

"Dude, you worry too much. It'll all work itself out. Today, I groundscored a Starbucks gift card. Hope there's some money on it, because it's going straight in your stocking."

"Dude, you are a greasy, greasy man."

"Dude, it was a Christmas miracle."

 

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Signs You're Not Getting A Lexus With A Big Red Bow On It For Christmas:

10. The money for your water bill relies on an intricate system of groundscoring
09. Your husband keeps ranting about rampant consumerism and how "buying shit is for fags"
08. Your current mode of transportation is a homemade Segway: a rake duct-taped to the top of a skateboard
07. You seem to think it's pronounced "lettuce." I mean, come on. Get with it
06. Your car dreams are more in the "tape deck with auto reverse" category
05. Still trying to figure out just how many Marlboro miles that'll run you
04. You've still got six more fatty payments to go on your Yugo
03. With the amount of time you spend in gas station bathrooms, it doesn't leave much time for hagglin'
02. It's feeling more like a Pogo Ball Christmas
01. Finding a bow that big sounds like a huge hassle

 

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