Gome of the Week
Is anybody else as excited as I am to never see this movie ever?
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Beatles 3000 - Watch and laugh.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Cover Up (1991)
The cover has it listed as Cover-Up, but the film itself says Cover Up. Ultimately, that pesky hyphen is the least of this film's worries.
I was genuinely excited to take in this flick, as I am a fan of both Lundgren and Gossett. Oh, how they let me down. In their defense, they weren't given much to work with. The script for this bad boy was draaab, and the story was just mad predictable. Of course, I'm the kind of full-blooded lughead who will gladly look the other way if you make up for it with some solid hand-to-hand combat, preferably of the completely unrealistic and extremely gratuitous variety. I also enjoy witty repartee while bones are being shattered. This movie gave me very little of the former, exactly none of the latter.
There was one decent scene where a henchman is attempting to garrote Lundgren (whose character was boldly named Mike Anderson) with one of those things serious pottery people use to cut up big hunks of clay, and Dolph got some solid elbow shots in before he bashed the guy's face open against the tile wall of his hotel shower. So that was nice. And when he impaled the main bad dude on his own sword (don't ask) during the penultimate scene, that was OK. But not worth sitting through 85 minutes of brutal dialogue for.
The story was too bland to bother describing, but needless to say, Lundgren ended up in a bell tower in the final scene, punching his ex-girlfriend in the face and eventually saving the lives of 50,000 people, who were due to be nerve gassed. I guess that scene was OK, too. Their biggest mistake here may have been casting Lundgren as an Ivy League-educated, award winning reporter and author. Though this movie probably features something that no other Lundgren film does: Dolph at a computer, typing.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Robert Q. Lewis - I'm Just Wild About Vaudeville (1967)
He sure is. I'm usually up for sitting through any audio crapfest, but this guy's shenanigans hurt me in ways I never knew possible. The horns, the hacky comedy, it's all just too much.
The liner notes on the back attempt to achieve hilarity, and let you know that ol' Rob is a nut like no other: "...able to give devastatingly humorous insights into what on the surface appears quite solemn. Like Funerals."
Whoah, Rob! Let's not get too edgy here! He turns up the controversy juice on another track, the kooky "My Wife's Gone to the Country (Hurrah! Hurrah!)." Robert, you wife-hating magician. I can't believe your record ended up in the bargain bin.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Bad move, space cadet. - A sweet thing to say to someone who has made a poor decision.
Origin - I am the Gorfian consciousness.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I think it's high time I got that barb wire tattoo on my bicep."
"Dude, that is one of the crappiest ideas you've ever had."
"Dude, I'm sorry you feel that way, because I already did it. Except substitute 'neck' for 'bicep.'"
"Dude. Bad move, space cadet."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs That Thanksgiving Dinner Is Over:
10. Grandma's sucking down the last bit of wine, straight from the box nozzle
09. The annual father-son knife fight has already broken out, ensued, and moved on to the celebrated call-to-the-local-authorities-from-a-crying-and-possibly-bleeding-mother portion of the evening
08. Fighting family members are resorting to nonsensical expletives like "butt-ass" and "dick-wiener," because all the good ones have long since been used up
07. Auntie's starfruit pie has been devoured, and the two-hour immature joke session about it is ready to commence in the family room
06. Everyone has either finished their 40's, peed their pants, or wussed out and taken the duct tape off with their teeth
05. Grandpa's wiped his face with his napkin, now he's dipping his comb in the gravy and fixing his combover
04. Somebody's already fetching the video tape for the traditional family viewing of Faces of Death III
03. Drunk uncles ripping apart the turkey carcass looking for the wishbone that they broke an hour ago
02. It's been decided: the best way to honor the indians is to go gamble recklessly in one of their many fine casinos
01. People who claim they never wanted to eat again suddenly perk up at the mention of mincemeat
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