Gome of the Week
Barely literate white people: This weekend, there is both a NASCAR event and the opening of the new Sandra Bullock movie.

Looks like you've got a busy few days ahead of you. Better git ta schedulin'!







This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Star Wars Yoga - The "X-Wing Extended" looks challenging.


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Dark Future (1994)

I have seen the future. And it is filled with topless space prostitutes and shoddy acting.

You never know what you're getting with these low-budget sci-fi films from the 90's. Sometimes they're terribly good, sometimes they're just terrible. This one was somewhere in between, but leaning hard towards the just terrible side of the spectrum. The scenery and special effects were almost good enough to warrant a better script and better acting, and that made the whole thing confusing. There were lots of explosions, lots of lasers flying this way and that, and nary a trace of emotion from anyone in the movie.Of course, half of the characters were hybrid synthetic cyborgs, but still.

Here's the deal with the future and why it's so dark: A plague has knocked out most of human civilization, except for a small group who have been relegated to an underground area where they exist only to serve the needs of the "synthetics," half-human bots who apparently still enjoy sex and booze. The humans are hookers, bartenders, and strippers, and they aren't too stoked about it. The sythetics seem to believe that the humans can't reproduce, but when they find a human baby, shit gets crazy. Two of the synthetics promptly body-slam the midwife to death and snap the neck of the mother, then plan to make off with the kid. A rogue, moustachioed bartender swipes the baby from them, kills the two bots, and stages a revolt.

The synthetics are in cahoots with some other humans who desperately want the baby back, and they eventually get her, so then the battle turns to getting the baby back while also breaking free of their subterranean prison. After a lackluster final battle, the porn star-looking bartender saves the day, the baby, and his never musses his moussed hair.

Best part of the film, hands down: When the bartender is fighting one of the synthetics early in the flick, he jams the robot's wire-frayed hand into a breaker panel of some sort, short-circuiting his system and killing him. He looks at the synthetic and says, "Shocking, wasn't it?" Awesome.




This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Joyce Blackburn - Suki and the Invisible Peacock (196?)

Suki is a lonely girl, and all the kids pick on her at school. (Which is fine, but did they need to put the racial epithets on this kids' record? Not sure I would want my child learning the phrase "slant eyes" at such an early age. Seriously. That's on here. One of the kids at her school calls her that.) Luckily, she has a friend. And yes, it's the invisible peacock.

The peacock is understanding and strangely all-knowing. The peacock loves her. The peacock seems to love everyone. The peacock is quite wise for being an invisible bird.

The peacock is Jesus.

Wow, Suki. Good luck with all that.



This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
They bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say, let 'em crash. - A sweet thing to say about people who made their beds and need to sleep in that bizness.

Origin - Airplane! Act like you know.

Usage - "Oh, dude. The Black Eyed Peas have a hot new sound. And plus, I like old dudes with mohawks!"

"Dude, you have the musical taste of an ADD-addled five-year-old."

"Dude, I'm going to tell you a secret. Sometimes I worry that their hyper-trendy stylings and lyrics that appeal to half-wits may not have much staying power."

"Dude. They bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say, let 'em crash."


This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Things I Won't Be Doing Now That I Have Purchased New Super Mario Bros: Wii:

10. Making eye contact with anyone who's not wearing overalls and sporting a moustache
09. Leaving the house until the firemen drag me out
08. Answering text messages that aren't directly related to the location of the three star coins hidden in each level
07. Acting like a calm, mature adult when a level is just really unfair or the fucking controller is broken or some shit like that
06. Responding to your invitation to meet your new baby or whatever. Unless you bought him a Wii.
05. Referring to my wife as anything other than "You're blocking the TV."
04. Changing out of my lucky Toad-themed sweatpants
03. Filling out legally binding forms with my occupation listed as anything other than "plumber"
02. Eating meals that don't consist wholly of oversized red glowing mushrooms
01. Showing mercy to these Koopa Paratroopas! Luigi knows what I'm talking about!


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