Gome of the Week
Mission accomplished, good sir.

Your teeth are officially blinding me.










This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Grammar Nerd Corrective Label Pack - These better be in my stocking come Christmas.


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
12:01 (1993)

Yes, another Jonathan Silverman action vehicle. I can't get enough. He's so barely believable that I find it impossible to look away. And for more proof that all these movies I watch are loosely connected, look no further than the man who directed this made-for-TV sci-fi thriller: Jack Sholder, the same gent who was at the helm for Sketch Artist II: Hands That See.

If you liked Groundhog Day but wanted a more concrete explanation for the recurring events and felt there wasn't nearly enough murder in it, then this may be the movie for you. Strangely enough, this flick and Groundhog Day were released at roughly the same time, and though they aren't similar in too many ways, a few of the plot points are identical. Namely, the same day happening over and over, and using that day to get to know a chick and then eventually bang her on the one day you finally amaze her with your stalker-like knowledge of her personal life.

Barry (Silverman) works at a lab where they're testing a new-fangled particle accelerator. He meets Lisa (Helen "Becky Gelke" Slater), who is one of the head scientists on the project, and then promptly watches her get shot outside the office later that day. He goes out and gets hosed, comes home and shocks the shit out of himself with a frayed wire on his lamp at the exact same moment that lightning strikes his house (while the accelerator is also being fired), and when he wakes up the next morning, it's still yesterday. Come on, we've all been there.

After he figures out what's going on, he makes it his mission to stop Lisa from getting murdered, while also making a solid effort to make sweet Silverlove to her. He eventually manages both, aided only by his greasy good looks and some of the corniest dialogue ever comitted to VHS tape. Jeremy Piven shows up as a smarmy fuckface, and it's the role he was born to play, baby! A toupee with Martin Landau underneath it also has a supporting role.

This movie was pretty sweet, and has once again convinced me that my Jonathan Silverman videocassette collection will only grow with time. He can do postal drama, he can do time-warping sci-fi; the man's got range.




This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Popular Science Monthly - Hi-Fi Test Record (1957)

I am an all-around fan of obscure vintage vinyl, but two types of records really get me excited: 60's-era salesman/motivational LPs, and audio calibration/test records. Usually these are stereo tests that show off the nascent channel-panning technology of the day, but every once in a while they get particular and precise. This is the latter.

Between snippets of the most milquetoast man in history telling you what to listen for, there are various beeps and extended blips, all to help you get the most of your audio equipment. Tracks include: "1,000 cycles; 7cm/sec," "Maximum level glide tone; 20,000 to 20 cycles," and the always popular "Sound effects quiz," where you are asked to indentify sounds. They can't even make that part simple. I got "Car started and engine," but struck out on "Crockery breaking" and "Air hammer working in street." Those wacky scientists. Whaddya gonna do.



This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Ricky Retardo - A way to describe yourself when you've lost all semblance of sense.

Origin - Raekwon's newest record.

Usage - "Oh, dude. Halloween was tight. I broke many laws and victimized many innocent people."

"Dude, you should not be so proud of your wrongdoings."

"Dude, you should have seen me. This kid wouldn't give up his Bit o' Honey, so I grabbed a short length of chain and just went Ricky Retardo on him. He won't be walking for a while."

"Dude, your antics are providing a much-needed boost to the faltering wheelchair industry."


This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Signs You're Addicted To Cable:

10. Your USA Network tattoo speaks for itself
09. Told your wife that if she cheats on you, you'll kill her – unless it's with the Comcast guy
08. Constantly blogging about hairstyle changes within the WGN news team
07. Can't get fully aroused without the sounds of Jim Cramer barking about bulls and bears
06. You sat through five and a half hours of Suzanne Somers peddling her wares on the Home Shopping Network and became convinced that she may one day rule the free world
05. You refuse to watch network TV unless it's from a different time zone
04. Always retelling the fable of the legendary HBO Racism channel
03. You've got three remotes: One for the family room, one for the bedroom, and one to cram up your fat ass whenever the mood strikes you
02. Nostalgia got the best of you and you named your daughter Paragon
01. Even the crawlspace under your house is juiced up


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