Gome of the Week
No matter how much you love Halloween, you'll never be as hardcore about it as this choad from My Chemical Romance.
Sure, you'll celebrate it once a year, but this guy lives it, bro.
Just something to think about before you go getting all high-and-mighty about what a big Halloween fan you are.
Step back – dode boy's got that shit on lock.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
The Worst Homemade Star Wars Costumes - I actually think these are all pretty sweet.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Jack O'Lantern (2004)
So, here's the deal: I'm not one to throw the phrase "worst movie I've ever seen" around all willy-nilly, to the point where it no longer has any meaning. In fact, I can usually find redeeming qualities in all of the crap that I sit through every Tuesday night. As I sit here now, I'm having a hard time coming up with a movie that I've seen that was worse than this one. I'm just going to come out and say it, even though this really hurts me: This movie was worse than Gummo. (Also: if you pretend to like Gummo, it's time to stop trying to be so fucking awesome all the time.)
Having said that, there are actually a few things that impressed me about this film: 1. That it got made. 2. That I was able to rent it at Hollywood Video. Seriously. The director of this film should be applauded for his follow-through and business savvy.
Are you ever watching a movie that really seems like it shouldn't be hard to follow, but you're having a hard time following it, and then you end up wondering if you're an idiot who can't follow a simple movie plot only to realize later that the story makes absolutely no sense and even if it did the filmmaker isn't telling it well enough to make it even slightly decipherable? I had a lot of that going on with this flick. I was actually looking forward to the end so I could get some closure on the screwy story they had been telling for the last 85 minutes, but it still made no sense to me.
So, attempting to explain the plot seems futile, but here's a brief version: There is a dude with a giant pumpkin head killing college students, but he looks nothing like the creature on the cover, and it's not a dude in a costume, it's like a creature that manifests itself from this guy Jack's nightmares...or something like that. The movie's shot on video, which doesn't help anything, and other than a girl getting her skull crushed between a truck bumper and a tree, you don't really see much in the way of gore. Lots of fake blood spilling on the ground, though. So, if you're into that sort of thing, you're set.
Also, the Jack O'Lantern: Behind the Screams mini-doc in the special features was gold. Apparently the director is meticulous and they did "hundreds of takes" for every scene in this. I would love to see what landed on the cutting room floor.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Alan R. Mellis - Spook Stuff for Hallowe'en (1960)
This record is awesome and will be playing in my house every Halloween for the rest of my life.
All the classics are here: "Creaking Heavy Door (Wooden), Open and Close," "Creaking Heavy Door (Metal), Open and Close," "Witch's Cat," "Witch's Cat (Mean)," "Thunder Clap," and "Thunder Clap (Different)." Oh, and also "Witch's Cauldron with Occasional Cackle," which is a favorite of mine.
And if someone could explain to me why there's an apostrophe in Halloween and why that witch is riding a rocket, that would be swizzity. Also, there's a $4.98 price on the back of this thing. Wasn't that a lot for a record fifty years ago? This is some top-notch sound-effecting, you schlubs.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Halloweenie - A person who is too scared to do any serious vandalizing, stealing or murdering on Halloween night.
Origin - Wusses across this great nation of ours.
Usage - "Oh, dude. We are going to go out tonight, dressed in black from head to toe, and spray paint people's cars. Then we're going to tip over their cars on top of elderly people. It's going to be trump tight."
"Dude, that sounds mildly illegal."
"Dude, it's Halloween. The cops are always cool on Halloween. Stop being such a Halloweenie."
"Dude, I guess you're going to have to go crush old ladies under vehicles without me tonight. Make sure to take video, though."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Ways To Ensure That This Will Be The Best Halloween Ever:
10. When egging small children, always have a stun gun handy to subdue irate parents.
09. Dress up as a slutty nurse. It will erase any lingering doubt as to whether you are a mindless skank or not.
08. When given fruit as a treat, make sure to note the address so you can eat the fruit and then later dump it out on that health-conscious loser's porch.
07. Dressing up as Hitler is always a great conversation starter.
06. If you know of any religious kooks who don't celebrate Halloween because their god won't let them, spend the entire evening slowly circling their home and violently rapping on their windows while speaking in tongues. They'll think it's a hoot.
05. Dressing as recently deceased celebrities is always hilarious, always original, and never inappropriate. So grab your Oxi-Clean and get out there, you joker!
04. For random paintball assaults, use black and orange ammo. It's festive, and really just the polite thing to do.
03. When the night deteriorates to the point where you're suffocating a hobo, make sure to tie the garbage bag tight around his neck, so if he starts bleeding from his orifices it doesn't get on your shoes.
02. Instead of handing out candy, try mixing things up with some literature about the Jew-run media.
01. Cram some pellets of candy corn up your ass. It'll keep you feeling fresh all night long.
Cancel One Career