Gome of the Week
Sonic Youth: The Starbucks deal was more confusing than anything, but this is just embarrassing.

Or at least I think it is. I'm still not exactly sure what Gossip Girl is. Yep, that's how cool I am. Shit's not even on my radar.


(I only watch foreign films.)





This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Splatter - If watching Corey Feldman commit fake suicide by blowing his brains out isn't encouraged by your workplace, you may want to save this one for home. But then watch it. Because it is awesome.


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
High Stakes (1989)

First off, just for funsies, take a good look at Sally "I Was Nominated for an Oscar, Remember That?" Kirkland on the left there. While there is definitely some airbrushing helping her out, she legitimately looks almost that good in this flick. Now take a look at a recent photo of her. Yeah. Ain't that something?

Sally plays Melanie Rose in this movie, a stripper/hooker who's just trying to get her shit together so she can regain custody of her daughter (played by an itsy-bitsy Sarah Gellar, before the "Michelle" became part of the deal). She meets up with a dude named John who she finds outside her apartment building after he's been mugged. He comes up to her place to clean his busted face up, and while he's trying to put the moves on Melanie, her pimp shows up and starts punching her in the stomach. John subdues the guy, they steal his money, and they're off!

John is a big-time Wall Street guy with more money than he knows what to do with, but for some reason he feels the need to play Russian roulette (literally) with Melanie's pimp's boss to get her out of debt with the dude (and also to get her daughter back – the thugs have kidnapped her). If you see this turning into a hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold story, you've hit the nail right on the head. After their wild adventures in getting away from the small-time mob, John and Melanie go their separate ways. But, he leaves his coat in her car with a check for a hundred grand in the pocket. We flash forward to Melanie living comfortably and working as a waitress. She's wearing nice clothes and looking surprisingly clean for an ex-prostitute.

She ends up tracking down John at his office in the dramatic final scene, returning the check to him (shocker) while she turns around and says something about leaving the state. He loses nine million dollars while he runs after her (she caught him in the middle of some big-time brokerage), but he doesn't care. He wants to marry this feisty lady of the night, there are some things money can't buy, blah blah blah. Then she tries to get him to bang her on the street by saying something like "Everybody gets fucked on Wall Street eventually, don't they?," and then they laugh and then the movie's over.

Oh, and Kathy Bates was in it as John's wise-but-painfully-plain secretary.




This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Arnold Lindberg - ...Sings Your Favorite Scandinavian Melodies (195?)

Records like this are so infatuating to me. First off, that's the full extent of the cover art. The back is blank. Secondly, it says "Norsemen" next to each of the dudes on the cover. Thirdly, this album is pressed the brightest, clearest yellow vinyl I've ever seen.

But these Scandinavian melodies; oh how they lift the spirits and the mind. You've never heard "Johan Pa Snippen" or "Alla Vackra Flickors Hambo" until you've heard them crooned from the golden pipes of Arnold Lindberg. And his brother (or possibly his dad) can really wail away on that accordion. Those crazy Norsemen.



This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
knucklebeak - A sweet light-hearted insult.

Origin - Homer's accountant.

Usage - "Oh, dude. That Megan Fox is just the hottest thing going. There's no way she sucks."

"Dude, I think there's a slight possibility that she sucks."

"Dude, I see no possibility of that, and I'm going to go check the comments section of every celebrity blog and get a consensus so I can prove you wrong."

"Dude, you are a crazy mad knucklebeak of the highest order."


This Week's Top Ten List

Oatmeal's Top Ten Reasons It Takes Me Six Months to Submit a Top Ten List:

10. Well… booze. Let’s not kid ourselves here.
09. Hoping to win a sponsorship from Sealy, Serta, Sleep Comfort, and/or Hood River vodka
08. Stuck pondering the ever-expanding universe… and looking at vintage photos of Jessica Lange
07. I have a dartboard with Bono’s face on it and an endless supply of darts
06. I recently purchased the Facts of Life box set and cannot take my eyes off of Blair’s sultry thickness
05. Performing research for my upcoming book entitled ‘How to Win Friends and Influence Call Girls’
04. Stalking is a full-time job and Maura Tierney is a slippery gal
03. Still reading my friends’ daily Facebook comments concerning the weather. That shit is scintillating.
02. To elevate the suspense
01. Busy looking for online pictures of a naked Phylicia Rashad


Cancel One Career