Gome of the Week
Aaaaaaaand stop making new shows.
Also: nice plugs, dude.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
The Line - I'm way late to the game with this one, but if you haven't seen this web miniseries, it's more than worth knocking out on your lunch break.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
New Eden (1994)
Yes, Lisa Bonet was wise to bail out of network television.
Speaking of television, this was clearly a made-for-TV movie (nice fades where the commercials would have been), yet as you can see, it's rated R on the box there. Quite misleading. Nevertheless, even some deserted plain toplessness or sand pirate swearing couldn't have saved this from being a trying 85 minutes.
Stephen "I'll Preach to You for an Even Twenty" Baldwin stars as Adams, a white-collar criminal in the year 2237 who, along with a bunch of other prisoners, gets dumped on a remote planet (via prison space transport thingy) to live out his sentence, or more likely to die. The planet is barren, aside from "scavs" (friendly bum-people) and the aforementioned sand pirates, who Mad Max their way through any and every thing or person they come across.
After being dumped on the planet, all but Adams and his acquaintance from prison Kyne (played hilariously by Michael "The Dick in Every 80's Movie" Bowen") are killed by the sand pirates. Kyne decides to join the pirates; Adams decides to try his luck at being a wuss. He runs into an initially affable drifter named Ares (played by Tobin "Horror-Con Here I Come" Bell) who turns captor and sells Adams to a scav lady named Lily (Bonet, who managed to scav herself up some pretty solid makeup for a planet with no clean water).
Adams is some sort of science guy (he puts on glasses when he needs to smart it up), so he devises a plan to get crops going and save the scav community. Ares climbs on board, helping Adams to learn to fight the crazy sand pirates. He even loans him his laser rifle, which is clearly made out of piping from True Value. (Sweet sci-fi movie-making tip: post-apocalyptic wasteland settings save a ton on scenery costs.) There's a short war at the end, with Adams shooting Ares and proving that good wins, or something like that. Then he and Lily get married. Awww.
Best dialogue exchange in the film: Lady Pirate: "We could attack the Salt People." Head Pirate: "Eh, the Salt People don't have anything we want." Lady Pirate: "They have salt." Awesome.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Various Artists - Taking Pride in Portland (1990)
Yeah, I got a sealed copy of this Portland-centric gem for a dollar. Jealous?
Mike Donahue from KOIN-6 News narrates this audio journey through the history of Portland, which is interspersed with some of the most unforgivably terrible music I have ever heard. And though it seems to be the same people on every track, nowhere is it listed (not even inside the gatefold cover) who actually performs these aural assaults. They're late-80's mega-schmaltz, and they're stabbing at my soul.
I was just postulating in my mind that it must have been the people who were jingle writers in Portland around this time, maybe for say, Smith's Home Furnishings or Bob Lanphere (you Portland people know what I'm talking about). And both Smith's and Lanphere are sponsors on this thing! Coincidence? I think not.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
helkatoot - A sweet old-timey way to express frustration.
Origin - The mining unions of the late 20's.
Usage - "Oh, dude. It is the bro hour. Time to drink some microbrewed Sam Adams and watch Boondock Saints."
"Dude, that sounds brotastic. But I can't go because I'm getting a neck tattoo of my favorite sports team later."
"Ah, helkatoot, dude."
"Hellkatoot indeed, dude."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten White Trash Signs That Autumn Is Upon Us:
10. Collective screeching of barbecues being moved from backyards to the kids' room
09. Wal-Mart just brought out their Larry the Cable Guy Halloween costumes
08. UFC announces their Brawl for the Fall
07. Party dude who passes out on his lawn every night is now covered in a comfy bed of leaves
06. Generic cigarette brands begin their "Thanksgiving Complimentary Turkey-Shaped Ashtray When You Buy Six Packs" campaign
05. Giant uptick in value-priced tarp sales
04. Young gents everywhere are heard saying "'Dem 4-wheelers was good fer dune ridin', theys'll be good fer muddin'"
03. Budweiser promotional t-shirt traded for Budweiser promotional windbreaker
02. NASCAR moves races into covered arenas; thousands die from exhaust inhalation
01. Sandra Bullock is crowned queen of the Fall Whitey Parade
Cancel One Career