09.20.09
Gome of the Week
You are coming dangerously close to wearing out your welcome, pretty boy.
This A-Team movie ain't going to help things.
Or be good.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
UHF - My 15 Year Pilgrimage - One man's quest for ultimate nerd status.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Turn Up the Volume 1 (1991)
If you're thinking to yourself that the names of the bands listed on the front of this thing don't seem to match that release date too well, then I don't think you'll be surprised when I tell you there never was a Turn Up the Volume 2.
If you know me, you know I'm an early-90's fanboy. It really was a great time to be a teenage music fan. Along with the joy inherent in the music that so many "alternative" bands brought to us, we were also privy to perhaps the greatest joy of all: watching bands like Winger, Trixter and Poison get shit out the bottom of society.
This video unknowingly chronicles the beginning of the end for these heavy-handed cock-rockers, and strangely makes listening to Kip Winger prattle on about how much pussy he gets an enjoyable experience. Better enjoy it, you think to yourself. Because from here on out, it's state fair city.
Still, an interview with Winger is an interview with Winger. So, it's rough. But hey, if you ever wondered what lead guitarist Reb Beach's bunk looked like, you're in for a treat. In the Bret Michaels segment, Bret shows us his sensitive side as he breaks down the heavy message behind "Something to Believe In." While he's in full make-up. It's poignancy personified. You almost have to feel bad for Trixter. They seemed like they were fresh out of high school in this thing. Ready to take on the world. Of course, hearing them talk about songs like "Give it to Me Good" without a hint of irony makes it really easy to root for them to be bunking at the Y by the end of '92. And, for chrissake, they named their band Trixter. There's no excuse for that kind of behavior.
I would like to rag on Jon Bon Jovi, but he's just too nice of a guy. He does an interview in this thing and is the most polite dude in the world. Damn you, Jovi! And I hate the Scorpions so much that if I get started I won't ever stop. Scorps, we get it: you hate women. You didn't have to base your entire career on it. Somewhere, while this was being filmed, J Mascis was noodling on his guitar and plotting to take over the world. Or at least that's how I picture it.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
9.9 - 9.9 (1985)
Because the East Coast needed their own Pointer Sisters.
I think I actually recognize the first song on this LP, the dancetastic "All of Me for All of You." Most of these tunes are of the dance variety. The ones that aren't do the slow jam thing. You already knew that.
"Hooked on You" mixes it up with some ass-rock guitar shredding over such crazy-original lyrics as "I love you more than words can say/ Gotta have you every day!" Yikes. But like producer Dimples said, "Presently, they're not a perfect 10 (but, we're working on it!). In the meantime, will you settle for a 9.9?" I guess I'll have to, Dimples. Best song title: "(Owch!) Hot Blood Pressure."
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Tell 'em Shorty Shit Stain sent it - A sweet way to negate any sincerity during the process of gift-giving.
Origin - The Brooklyn Zoo.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I'm heading over to my superbros' house to get all broed out with them."
"Dude, that shit is going to be brotastic. Hey, can you take this thank you card over there? They gave me some great quaaludes last week."
"Sure, dude. Dude, you keep your etiquette game trump teezy."
"Dude, tell 'em Shorty Shit Stain sent it."
"Dude, weak."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs You're Not Wearing Any Pants:
10. The entire bank is looking at you with disgust, yet the bank teller seems totally cool
09. You're sitting bitch when you suddenly notice that a seat belt receptacle is roughly massaging your prostate
08. A dude on the street asks you for a light then adds, "Hey bro, that's a kick-ass jockstrap."
07. All you wanted was a twisty tie, next thing you know your dick's super-glued to the inside wall of the junk drawer
06. The pants salesman is pushing the chinos a little too aggressively
05. Your walking is pleasantly accented with a rhythmic stereo slapping sound
04. Every conversation you conduct seems to center around the topic of your blatantly exposed hog
03. David Spade walked up to you and was all like, "They're called bottoms. Look into 'em."
02. The guy at the bike shop was adamantly against you purchasing a white cloth seat cover
01. People keep asking you to tuck it, Lambs style
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