Gome of the Week
These two lovely ladies won't be joining the rest of the cast this month when SNL returns for its 35th season.

Yet Lorne Michaels still must have a boner for Abby Elliott, who I would argue isn't nearly as strong as these dames.

It just does not make sense. But I'll keep watching the damn show anyway.





This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Snookers the Kitty Cat Likes to Shower! - He sure does.


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Desperate Motive (1993)

I've really been scoring the promotional copies recently, haven't I? If nothing else, they're fun because the previews always include messages to retailers about how they plan to market these stinkers. This film is apparently "in the tradition of Cape Fear," though I'd argue that Dave "Don't You Dare Call Me Robert Wuhl" Keith ain't exactly DeNiro in this flick.

He plays Harry, an unstable drifter who's looking for a new lease on life. He and his equally kooky lady friend, Connie (played by Marg "We Can't Lift Your Face Any Further" Helgenberger), decide that their first stop should be at the house of his old buddy from camp, Richard (William "Enough with the 'Walking on Air' Song Already" Katt). They call Richard's wife from a truck stop phone booth, invite themselves over, and quickly realize they have no transportation. No problem: they'll just kill an old dude, stuff him in the storage compartment of his camper, and then steal the camper. And they're off!

Their plan is to steal the lives/identies of Richard and his wife, and kidnap their son (played by a post-Family Ties Brian "Currently on the Lam" Bonsall in one of his last acting roles). You can probably figure out where it goes from there. They wear out their welcome by doing a bunch of increasingly weird shit, until eventually Richard is tied up in his boat in the driveway, his wife is bound and gagged in the basement, and their art dealer friend is laying in her own blood in the kitchen. Harry and Connie make some hasty moves, and she ends up burning to death after catching the business end of a small blowtorch, courtesy of Richard's wife. Of course, Harry lives through his substantial fire-poker beating, just so we get to see him maniacally cackling from the confines of his gurney. Enjoy prison, you old so-and-so!




This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Lou Marsh and Tony Adams - These Jokers are Wild! (1969)

When you see comedy sketches about a couple of tuxedoed and toupeed loudmouths in a nightclub telling off-color jokes with the assistance of a rim-shot man, you want to believe it was never as schleppy as it's made out to be. I used to believe it couldn't possibly be that bad. After hearing this record, I now know the truth: assholes like this actually existed.

Listening to these two schlubs rattle their way through hacky one-liners and audience insults is profoundly painful. And yes, they actually have a rim-shot guy. It's brutal. The laugh tracks that are sloppily pasted in after the sexist/homophobic jokes completely bomb is about the funniest part. After a while they actually start razzing the audience for not laughing. Yes, it really gets that bad. Or good, depending on your perspective. Wow, I want to go back in time and tackle these guys.


This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
gnome sane - A sweet way to semi-abbreviate "know what I'm sayin'."

Origin - Nerds? Nerds.

Usage - "Oh, dude. Summer blockbuster season is over, and my life suddenly has no meaning."

"Dude, GI Joe gave your life meaning?"

"Dude, I can't wait for the sequel. Shipwreck better be in it, cause he was mad absent from The Rise of Cobra, gnome sane?"

"Oh, dude. I worry for your emotional stability."


This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Signs Your Life Has Not Worked Out the Way You Planned:

10. Your biggest regret: not getting your van detailed in 1979
09. You've increased six coverall sizes in the last two years
08. Your kids keep inquiring about why their friends' parents don't pour scotch on their breakfast cereal
07. Consumed with thoughts about how your life would be so much better if you could just break free from the confining shackles of your rotary phone
06. Your Twitter account is filled with the minute details of your constant sobbing, blubbering, and hiding under your bed
05. Your version of the ideal day includes no point in which your trembling lips are wrapped around a revolver that you found in dumpster and probably doesn't even work anyway
04. You wanted a swimming pool; you have instead settled for waiting for rain and illegally blocking drains in one of the deeper parts of your street
03. Pictured yourself as auxillary rythym guitarist for Van Halen, but you're presently playing Jew's harp for the Craptown Pipers
02. You become incredulous upon the realization that the shylock you work for isn't going to kick in for dental
01. Still bragging about that day a few weeks back when you only drank two cans of paint


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