08.30.09
Gome of the Week
Stallone.
Rourke.
Set the Axe Body Spray to old and oily.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Ultimate Muscle Roller Legend - I can't figure out if this is more gay than Japanese, or more Japanese than gay. You make the call.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Fifty/Fifty (1992)
Yeah, I got my hands on a rare screening copy of this flick. Jealous? These two mercenaries are out to save the world. Unless they kill each other first!
Watching a buddy comedy/action flick where the buddies have zero chemistry is almost as fun as watching one where they do. You get it all with this one: a hastily glossed-over backstory that is supposed to give you a reason to give a shit about these two meatheads, witty quips while missles are raining down from "choppers," and a storyline that features rogue CIA agents and leaders of small armies who apparently have a direct line to the president.
Yes, none of it makes any sense. But when Peter "I Can't Believe You Made Robocop 3 Without Me" Weller and Robert "Come On, You've All Seen Raw Justice on Cinemax" Hays get together and start razzing each other, the plot seems inconsequential anyway. I mean hey, who doesn't refer to one of their oldest friends as "moose nuts"?
As with a lot of these craptastic action flicks, the ending almost makes it worth the previous 88 minutes of brain-imploding dialogue and hardcore military gun porn. Weller's sporting a semiautomatic assault rifle with one o' them fancy grenade/rocket launchers in it, and he fires one into the belly of the main bad guy. Since it doesn't explode immediately, we get to see the look on his face right before he dies; the one where he realizes there's an explosive device lodged in the hole where his stomach once was. Then it explodes, and his body parts are scattered across the stage on which he had just stood minutes earlier. Oh, the justice.
The recurring bonding theme of the film is coin-flipping. They always flip a coin to decide what to do. In the end, they are awarded coins with their faces on them for their efforts, and the film ends on a freeze-frame of one of them flipping it while they both chuckle, apparently about how they only got about thirty of the local villagers they were hired to protect killed. Hurrah!
Also: Hays is rocking a sweet rat tail in this movie. Seriously.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Jimmy Nelson - Instant Ventriloquism (1964)
"If good fortune follows a fellow, he's fine." Try saying that with your teeth locked shut and your mouth open like you're sort of smiling. Not so easy, is it? Well, lucky for you, Jimmy Nelson and his creepy puppets who without a doubt would love to come to life and gnaw out your carotid artery are here to help.
Not only will you learn the origin of the word "ventriloquism," but you'll also learn the ventriloquist's alphabet. And you'll get a to hear a dude talk to himself via his dummy, which is somehow creepier with just the audio than it would be if you could see it happening.
Don't let Farfel fool you: he'd kill you and your whole family and not even blink one of his wooden eyelids.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
beardo - A sweet way to refer to someone who is obsessed with their beard.
Origin - beard fanatics everywhere, these guys.
Usage - "Oh, dude. My beard is really reaching trump tight status. I am really twirling it around and shit."
"Dude, I know. What's with the horse shampoo in the bathroom?"
"Dude, my beard needs that extra bit of sheen that only horse shampoos can provide."
"Dude, you're being a total beardo right now."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs You're Not Drinking Enough Water:
10. When comparing your urine to crayons, you realize the shade is less a goldenrod and more of a burnt umber
09. When you accidentally swallow some water in the pool, you find it both irritating and refreshing
08. You've had diarrhea since 1985
07. Your friends keep calling you "The Camel"
06. Someone recently metioned in conversation that your face seems to be flaking off in huge sheets
05. You've had some crackers lodged in your throat for like two weeks now
04. You keep saying things like "Nah, I peed yesterday."
03. Your tongue resembles grip tape from an old skateboard
02. You have a recurring dream about hooking your mouth up to a fire hydrant
01. You claim you get all you need in the shower
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