Gome of the Week
Vampires are cool again!
1994 called, it wants its fad back.
But check it out, this ain't your grandpa's vampire. It's the new breed of modern super-styley vamps! They listen to cool music and wear tight pants and shit!
Don't get bit, yo!
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Diesel Sweeties - I'm no web comic expert, but I like this one.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Does This Mean We're Married? (1991)
Full disclosure: I took last week off from updating the site because I was getting married. So upon my triumphant return, I figured I might as well treat myself to a wacky wedding-centric rom-com. And here we are.
Yeah, it's a promo copy. Jealous?
Let's not mince words here: Patsy Kensit in 1991 was what the kids would call "smokin' hot." However, her acting skills are what most would refer to as "spotty at best." But I'll give it to her here–her American accent was almost believable. My wife pointed out (we watched this together–awwww) that this is basically an inverted version of Green Card. Kensit is an American in Paris who wants to stay there to perform her terrible stand-up routine (she's a prop comic), but her visa's expiring. Enter suave French dude, who marries her for money because he's a broke musician.
They plan on never seeing each other again, but what they didn't plan on was the immigration officials paying them a little visit! And from there, you can pretty much guess what happens. Yep, he takes out an insurance policy on her, kills her while she sleeps, and hits the jackpot. Hardy har har.
Actually, they end up recording a hit song together that sounds vaguely like "Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport" and start boning. Then her mom dies and he goes back to Cleveland with her to meet her family. I have to say, I didn't see that coming. Except for the boning part. That was a given.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Guckenheimer Sour Kraut Band - Music for Non-Thinkers (1958)
Wow, this is some of the most brutal tongue-in-cheek polka I've ever heard. I thought this might be a comedy record, but there are very few lyrics. I guess the jokes lie in just how shitty these guys are at playing music.
Their version of "Stars and Stripes Forever" is making my life hurt. That can't be good. They add their own German vocals. Wild!
I still love the cover and the title, though.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
It's time for the Ghetto Blaster, fool - A sweet thing to say to someone right before you kick them in the back of the head.
Origin - Bad News Brown. Act like you know.
Usage - "Oh, dude. The new GI Joe movie looks super trump teez. I am going to see the shit out of that movie."
"Dude, once again, you are part of the problem."
"Dude, Marlon Wayans is a supreme talent and deserves your respect."
"It's time for the Ghetto Blaster, fool."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs You're A Huge Wuss:
10. You drink coffee, but you won't snort it
09. You got in one spine-busting accident, and now you refuse to get out of your wheelchair
08. You won't even get your dick tattooed
07. In the motor oil drinking contest, you only finished like two quarts
06. You insisted on having the bullet removed from your pelvis when you got shot. Way to be a wuss about it, wuss
05. You leave your shirt on when you streetfight
04. You won't let me hot-iron brand you like a real man would
03. Before armed robberies, you keep blubbering on about your wife and kids
02. You won't suck on the nail gun, even for funsies
01. You never mainline drain cleaner with the rest of us
Cancel One Career