04.19.09
Gome of the Week
Dear Society,
Will you please stop watching this terrible, horrendously trashy, faaaaake show so I can stop seeing commercials for it when I'm watching my precious Cops reruns?
Even worse, truTV keeps slipping it into the Cops time slot so it ends up on my DVR. And that just has to stop.
We're better than this, aren't we?
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
When Comic Books Were Innocent - A simpler time.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Airborne (1993)
I get the feeling this movie is a cult classic to some basement-dwelling weirdos out there, so if everyone's seen this and I'm simply a lame-o who was too busy tying a flannel around his waist in '93 to acknowledge the cultural impact that Airborne had on the world, then I apologize for my temporary slip in attempting to bring you a truly random movie. Having said that...
Did you ever wish The Karate Kid centered around rollerblading instead of karate? Well, you're in luck. Because this is more or less the exact same story, minus the old dude/mentor character and everything else that was good about The Karate Kid.
Mitchell Goosen is a sweet bro, just coolin' his life away in California, riding his rollerblades to the beach every day in search of the perfect wave. Yep, he's one o' 'dem rollerblader/surfer types. When his parents tell him he has to go stay with his aunt and uncle in Cincinnati, dude is unstoked. But he packs up his surfboard ("I never go anywhere without my stick," he proclaims) and hopes for the best.
Upon arriving, he's greeted with some devastating news: There are no oceans in Ohio. Shit, brah. Thankfully, he's still got his killer attitude and a cool cousin (played by Seth "Technically a Midget" Green) who promises to show him the ropes. After getting roughed up by the locals (including a young Jack "Remember When You Weren't Sick of Me" Black), he decides to strap on his blades and prove that he's the coolest cool who ever cooled.
A bunch of other crap happens, and the ruffians who once wanted him dead embrace him just in time for the big race against "The Preps." Better be careful, Mitchell, Devil's Backbone is the most dangerous stretch of road in town! Using his patented Fruit Boot technology, Mitchell wins the race, the heart of the chick who's he's been dating on and off for the previous six days, and the respect of all the key bladers in Cincinnati. Hang loose, broheim.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
The Barry Sisters - At Home With... (1958)
These women were so Jewish that their original last name was Bagelman. Seriously.
As per usual, I've been sitting here with my headphones firmly strapped on, trying to figure out which are my favorite tracks from this week's LP. I've narrowed it down to "Vyoch Tyoch Tyoch," "Ich Chob Dich Tzifeel Lieb," and "Vie Aheen Zol Ich Gayn." Their version of "Yuges Mir Noch Amool" is decent, but I've heard better.
Oy vey, I feel like a regular meshugana trying to sort this all out.
Yeah, they act like they were just some fun time ladies, kickin' around the piano as sisters tend to do. Little did we know that when the lights went down, these girls could get a little saucy. Yowsa!
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
that's assault, brotha - A sweet way to tell someone that what they're considering doing is probably technically illegal, or at least highly inappropriate.
Origin - Billy Madison.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I have a hot date with a trump tight Bremelo this weekend."
"Dude, sounds like you'll be flying higher than Mitchell in Airborne."
"I don't know what that means, but I am hoping to hit her with a surprise brumsky."
"An unauthorized brumsky? That's assault, brotha."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Best Parts of 17 Again, A Movie That I Have Not Seen:
10. When the adult trapped inside the kid's body doesn't know the current lingo that kids are using. I mean, way to sound like a nerd, you nerd!
09. When the adult trapped inside the kid's body tries to dress cool, but his idea of dressing cool is trying way too hard to be cool, so then it's not really cool at all. Way to try too hard, try guy!
08. When the adult trapped inside the kid's body doesn't know how to text like a normal kid would. I mean, come on, that's weak texting sauce, bro!
07. When the adult trapped inside the kid's body finger bangs a 16-year-old girl which would be sweet for the kid but it's really like a 40-year-old dude doing it so it's actually illegal and then he has to kill himself
06. When the adult trapped inside the kid's body seems all uptight about stuff because he's an adult but his friends don't know that and so really they just label him a pussy and say horrible shit about him behind his back and wonder if he's a narc
05. When the adult trapped inside the kid's body is like hey (to his friends), I like cool music, and then he names a band from like 10 years ago that wasn't really cool anyway and everyone looks at him weird. Way to be a weirdo, you clod!
04. When the adult trapped inside the kid's body can't get a boner unless the prostitute eats dog food and then the prostitute becomes suspicious because it doesn't really seem like a kid would be that sexually warped yet but she stays on all fours eating the dog food out of the bowl because, y'know, he did pay for the whole hour
03. When the adult trapped inside the kid's body knows stuff that other kids wouldn't because he's really like twenty years older than they are. But then they think it's really cool because he can like help them cheat life and shit!
02. When the adult trapped inside the kid's body doesn't know how to work an iPod. Way to not know how to make a playlist, you fucking asshole! Looks like you're not going to prom!
01. When the adult trapped inside the kid's body realizes that he'd really like to be an adult again because shit was actually pretty cool and then Jesus comes down and drop-kicks him for wasting his fucking time
Cancel One Career
