Gome of the Week
I don't know who is lamer: me for getting wrapped up in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, or the people at Fox who are apparently canceling it.

This was my Battlestar Galactica, people! (I've never seen that show, but I'm happy to call everyone nerds/losers for obsessing over it.) Don't make me sign an online petition...

Either way, the season (or series) finale was last week, so it looks like I'll just have to hold tight and watch Cops reruns until the new season of Wipeout! starts at the end of next month.

Yeah, I'm keeping track of when the new season of Wipeout! starts. You got a problem with that?




This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
FMyLife - And you think you have problems...



This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Captive (1998)

We all know that Richard Grieco is a shitty actor, but did you know that he's an incredibly shitty actor? If you have your doubts, you'd be wise to check out this late-90's Canadian tale of kidnapping, eyebrow plucking, and general oiliness.

Strangely, this movie was filmed in the same year and, from what I can tell, roughly the same part of Canada as our movie from week 285, Psychopath. It also features one of the same actors. And the first thing that rolls in the credits is some legal mumbo-jumbo about the film being made possible by some Canadian tax credit. So, that may explain why (or more appropriately, how) these films got made.

Grieco plays Joe, a slick choad who has killed his girlfriend in a car accident that occured while she was trying to blow him when he was driving. He's since moved on to a new city and a new job, but her family wants money from him, and the courts are backing them up. After he promptly starts banging one of the chicks at his new job, he trepidatiously agrees to her plan of kidnapping the boss's kid and attempting to extract a $2 million ransom for his return.

Turns out Joe is a terrible kidnapper, because he is not only dumb, but a complete pussy. After the kid pisses his pants and almost escapes (not at the same time), an attempt to collect the money is thwarted by local police and Joe decides to return the kid. But (spoiler alert!), his lady friend has turned the tables on him and he ends up going to prison.

It's a feel-good film! Seriously though, I got some great laughs out of Grieco's raspy talking. That, and the size of his hair, which kept getting bigger and smaller from scene to scene. Continuity!


This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Pleasure - Give It Up (1982)

Oh, the sea of early-80's shit R&B is a deep one. And I fear I've only waded in knee-deep.

Of course, the one thing these records are always good for is sexual innuendo. Given, the title track doesn't mince words, but songs like "What's It Gonna Be" dodge the issue a bit: "It's love I want to give you in a very special way/ Don't be afraid to open up your heart/ Let love in." We can only assume that by "heart" he means "honeypot" and by "love" (the second one) , he means "my dongbone."

"Sassy Baby" starts off with something every woman wants to hear: "I must of (sic) had a million girls/ Rock and roll on the floor/ Take them home and rock and rollin' some more." Classy. By the end, they stop beating around the bush and just get straight to it with tracks like "All the Way" and the blunt "It's So Hard." Somebody get these guys some lovin', stat!


This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
jay me oh - A sweet way to abbreviate "jerk (or jack) me off". I guess it could also be spelled "j. me o.," but I think the first way is significantly more hilarious.

Origin - Fine upstanding handjob fanatics everywhere.

Usage - "Oh, dude. I have a hot date with a supercoug this weekend. It is going to be trump teez."

"Dude, I hope you are prepared for anything that may occur between you and this most super of all cougs."

"Dude, I'm way ahead of you. I'm bringing an industrial size bottle of baby oil, just in case she wants to jay me oh."

"Dude, I'm sorry I doubted you. Carry on!"


This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Reasons I Love To Stay Up All Night:

10. Well, first off, I think we can all agree that the nighttime is the right time
09. Shorter lines at 7-11 when I buy my chewin' tobacco at four in the morning
08. Finally getting caught up on Saved By the Bell: The College Years. Zach and Slater threw a rave in their dorm!
07. Rush hour is for people who I refer to as "the sheep." Yeah, I called you sheep
06. These On Demand episodes of That Metal Show aren't going to watch themselves, people. Seriously, I watch the shit out of that show. The drummer from Dream Theater was on a few weeks back; it was pretty sweet
05. I like it to be eerily quiet when I walk around on the roof naked, making grand gestures with my hands and muttering, "soon, it will all be mine"
04. It's fun to watch the infomercial for The Carol Burnett Show on DVD and really ponder how drunk America must have been to think Harvey Korman was the least bit funny
03. The Casual Encounters section on Craigslist really heats up around 3:45AM
02. Like to get to Dunkin' Donuts early so I can wolf down a dozen fresh-baked apple fritters and then hit the sack
01. I live to watch the early morning traffic cams on the freeways and laugh heartily at all those suckers

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