Gome of the Week
I kept pushing for Nic Cage to slap a hat on that terribly hair-pieced noggin of his.
Now I'm reconsidering.
Looking good, dude.
Looking real good.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Silence of the Lambs Lego Musical - Brilliant.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Pretty Smart (1987)
At Ogilvy Academy for Girls, you're either a "Preen" or a "Sub," but one thing's for sure: you can't be bothered with the minor details in life, like studying, observing proper manners, or wearing a shirt.
This was Patricia Arquette's second film role (following her Oscar-snubbed performance in A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors), and she once again proves that even if you're technically a midget, you can snaggle-tooth your way into the hearts of America. (I actually like Patricia Arquette, but I'll toss a dig in on anyone if I get the chance.) Sadly, Patricia was one of the few girls who kept her shirt on during this movie.
One of the others was Daphne "Zig" Ziegler (played by Tricia Leigh Fisher and no relation to this guy), an unrestrainable rebel who's ready to shake things up at this school for rich girls (which she was sent to because she's a rich girl, but it's cool because she like, spikes her hair up, wears a Walkman, and modifies the uniform so it's vaguely punky)!
After the Subs and Preens wage war on each other over who's the most spoiled teenage girl in this school in the Netherlands that is randomly in a castle, they join forces after they find out their headmaster dude is not only a major cocaine trafficker, but also a sex trade player who sells tapes of the girls showering, having bra-and-pantie pillow fights, and humping dudes.
After sunbathing topless with their female English professor, the ladies concoct a scheme that will show this headmaster but good! They flush his blow down the toilet, turn his felonious amateur porn into still-felonious fake snuff films, and save the school in the process! Nice work, ladies. Time for a pillow fight.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Original Radio Stories - The Adventures of the Lone Ranger (1957)
Jeez, Tonto, no need to be such a prick.
If you know somebody who's a 110-year-old racist, they're going to love this record. It's all here: boring radio recordings of dudes talking with occcasional clip-clopping in the background; origin stories that make little sense and are breezed over in less than two minutes; and Tonto trying to show a pretty boy on a white horse the ways of the plain.
I still can't decide which is more exciting, "He Helps the Colonel's Son–Part 1," or "He Saves the Boonville Gold–Part 2." I'll tell you what, if you want to take a trip back to the days before television...then you're an idiot.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
the Red run - A sweet way of run-shuffling off in frustration, arms dangling wildly, usually coupled with some light sobbing.
Origin - Red in Friday. Check the proper technique here.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I became embroiled in an intense standoff with the dude patrol last night."
"Dude, weak. How did things pan out for you?"
"Dude, one of the main bros stole my Swatch watch and I was forced to exit the situation via the Red run."
"Dude, that is shameful."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Reasons I Can't Ever Seem To Get A Full Night's Sleep:
10. Keep replaying key plot points of Pretty Smart in my head; having trouble deciphering the rich subtext of the devilishly witty script
09. I usually polish off a 12-pack of Mt. Dew Voltage while speed-masturbating to snowboarding videos right before bed–I'm not gonna lie, it gets me amped, bro
08. I volunteer at a soup kitchen at four in the morning three days a week. And by "volunteer at a soup kitchen," I mean "go prowling for prostitutes"
07. These episodes of VH1's So You Think You're Technically Illiterate aren't going to watch themselves, people
06. Still incredibly consumed by the fine art of not watching Lost
05. Guitar Hero: Shonen Knife has turned out to be way harder than I thought it would be
04. Too many nights spent watching Benson reruns, waiting to see that episode where he kills a guy
03. Constantly spending time on achieving my life-long dream: converting my backyard into a full-scale replica of Dagobah
02. Always having to get out of bed to throw meat at the white tiger I've got locked in my shed
01. Can't stop laughing after watching Jimmy Fallon's hilarious monologues!
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