03.01.09

Gome of the Week
I saw a preview for this horndog romp a few weeks ago, and as I went through my standard scoffing at how movies these days seem to be geared towards the mentally infirmed, I also conceded that I probably wasn't the key demographic they were trying to reach.

Upon further research, I found that the two high school dudes in this film are, in reality, 29 and 31. Allow me to put it in simpler terms: these two "11th graders" are being played by guys who would be in the 23rd and 25th grades. So really, they're not that much different than me!

Long story short: I already Fandangoed the shit out of some tickets.

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Maximum Double Universal Timekick Warrant: A Jean-Claude Van Damme Cinematic Retrospective - Biff, you're welcome.

 

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Psychopath (1998)

This is one of those movies where it's not good enough to take seriously, but it's not so bad that there's really that much to make fun of. But bear with me; I'll try.

This taught pyschological thriller stars Madchen Amick (the poor man's Paget Brewster), Bruce Dinsmore (the poor man's Bruce Davison), and that-dude-who's-in-everything-but-you-couldn't-actually-name-one-single-thing-he's-been-in, Chris Mulkey (the poor man's Peter Sarsgaard, plus twenty years).

Amick plays a semi-hot lawyer whose roommate got murdered back in college, and she's currently prosecuting the dude who she thinks did it, after he was arrested for a similar killing. After he's set free because of lack of evidence, one of the dudes on the jury decides to copycat kill his mistress, hoping to frame the guy who actually did kill some other girls, but not this one.

So, as you can see, the story isn't completely shitty, especially if you can manage to ignore some pretty huge plot holes that I don't have the space or patience to go into here. (But really–are cops allowed to check out murderers awaiting trial like library books, promising to bring them back to jail when they're done?)

In the end, this felt more like an extended episode of one of the Law & Order spinoffs than a movie. With a less satisfying denouement. But I'll give it some extra points for the red VHS cartridge, which reminded me of blood, and I assume that was the desired effect!

 

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Jack LaLanne - Help for Your Hips & Thighs (195?)

In record time, even! I'm not sure on the date on this one, but mid-to-late-50's is my guess. This is record three in a set, and it was pressed on green vinyl, which is kind of sweet. I think the other two were red and blue.

This record is often hilarious, as all it is is LaLanne hurrying you through exercises with the aid of a frantic organ player. And the crazy thing is, he seems to actually be doing them. His voice fades in and out like there's a stationary mic and he's sort of yelling in the direction of it while touching his heels to his buttocks. It's good stuff.

And Jack says, if you do these exercises, "Men will be able to develop a more manly physique, and women will improve beauty contour muscles to be lovelier." I once bagged a broad that had some really tight beauty contour muscles, so I know exactly what Jack is talkin' about.

 

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
better get out the tee! - A sweet way to further humiliate someone who is struggling with something.

Origin - Failures everywhere.

Usage - "Oh, dude. I am really struggling to figure out how to program this new cell phone. It's turning out to be pretty hard."

"That's what she said, dude."

"Dude, seriously, do you know where the owner's manual is?"

"Better get out the tee, dude!"

"Dude, that barely made sense."

 

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Ways To Stay Warm During These Cold Winter Months:

10. Insert a recently heated skillet down the back of your pants
09. Take a wild ride inside an industrial sized dryer
08. Fold yourself inside a hide-a-bed where big fat dudes are known to sit
07. Microwave your codpiece
06. Enjoy a piping hot mug of boiling water
05. Spend six hours at an appliance store questioning the durability and effectiveness of their best furnace
04. Remove the racks from your dishwasher, hop in, and see if you can find a way to latch it from the inside
03. Explain to your dry cleaner that you're in a hurry and you'll need to leave your suit on during the process
02. I heard that a nice, strong case of viral gastroenteritis can really get you running hot
01. Belly flop contest into the deep fryer!

 

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