02.08.09

Gome of the Week
Are we so bored and semi-retarded as a society that this is the best new fashion statement the bros can come up with?

Makes me miss the refined elegance of Oakley Blades nestled tightly on top of a crispy crop of spiked brohair.

Yeah, that's what they call it.

 

 

 

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Radiology Art - A winning combination.

 

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Street Asylum (1990)

Before director Gregory Dark blessed us with such classics as Hootermania, The Creasemaster, and The Creasemaster's Wife (not to mention the erotic exploits of the oft-overlooked Animal Instincts trilogy), he gave us this gem, a tale of cops-gone-crazy that involves a poorly developed (plot-wise) mind control scenario.

When you think of Wings Hauser and G. Gordon Liddy teaming up in a story about spine implants programmed to make otherwise decent cops into raving killing machines/hooker rapers, you think of one thing: Oscar gold. Alas, it was not to be. But now that we can see the director's cut of this gritty crime drama, we can perhaps see Dark's original vision. Or maybe somebody could. I couldn't.

The cover of this movie is entirely misleading, as LIddy's character is human, not a cyborg who gets half of his face ripped off to expose his robot innards. But, not the first time I've been burned by false promises on the cover of hastily made VHS tapes. This film ended up being a little better than I thought it might be, but not much. Liddy's barely in it, which is a good thing, and Wings Hauser does a good job of acting like he doesn't have an abnormally gigantic skull.

As with any good corrupt cop story, you've got your "who will police the police" scenario, and like any good b-movie, questions like that are neither addressed nor answered. But, if you've ever wanted to see Liddy get fried on a satellite dish (he does seem to have a lot of enemies), this is the film for you.

 

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
The Payne Family - Features David (196?)

If there's one thing a teenage boy loves, it's having his awkward school portrait slapped on the front of the LP he made with his family. Add this to the heartfelt handwritten letter from his sister that adorns the back, detailing his struggles with his voice changing, and you've got yourself a recipe for this kid remaining a virgin until he's at least 42.

Of course, David's interests are in Jesus, so maybe he doesn't care about such things. Although when he sings "The Old Rugged Cross Made the Difference," I just don't feel like he means it. Maybe I'm wrong.

 

 

 

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
copper top - A sweet way to describe a redhead.

Origin - Duracell.

Usage - "Oh, dude. Have you seen my new coug prospect?"

"Dude, I don't even know what that means."

"Dude, I've been scouting cougs. Working on a farm team. It's a whole system. Got my eye on a 54-year-old copper top right now. Though I think it may not be natural."

"Dude, you need a job."

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Signs You're Obsessed With Kung Fu:

10. You wear a black belt in the shower
09. You bow in front of the dominatrix before she twists your nuts in a vice
08. You feel your homemade throwing stars crafted from old rusty soup cans speak for themselves
07. Constantly looking for excuses to use your favorite phrase: "Don't make me go to my Nissan and get my nunchucks"
06. You're not gay, but you often find yourself up late at night masturbating to grainy Bruce Lee films
05. When your mom says she needs to park the car in garage, you yell, "Stay the hell out of my dojo!"
04. You had heard of Jackie Chan, like, waaaay before anyone else
03. You saw both Kill Bill films with a biography of Sonny Chiba crammed up your ass
02. You're constantly criticizing the hacky moves of Hong Kong Phooey
01. You thought Kung Fu Panda was good, but were disappointed that he didn't actually pull someone's heart from their chest cavity and eat it

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