Gome of the Week
Today, millions of people across the country lined up outside of Denny's restaurants, waiting for hours just to get their fat mouths on a free Grand Slam breakfast.

I heard there was a place to check your dignity once you got through the doors.

Lookin' good, America!







This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Guitar Praise - Now I know what Guitar Hero needed–more Petra.



This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Enemy Gold (1993)

First, let me say that I'm not stoked on the image I came up with for this one. For the record, I watched it on VHS, but the box is so beat to shit that it wasn't worth scanning. Anyway.

When you see the words "and Julie Strain as Jewel Panther" wrapping up the opening credits that are rolling over some generic guitar/sax wankery, you know you're in for a Skinemaxtastic ride.

Explaining the plot of a film like this is an exercise in futility, as there's barely one to speak of, and that's not why you're watching a movie like this. You're watching a movie like this so you can see that blond number with the gun take an inordinate amount of showers. And boy, does she. She also finds excuses to change her outfit a lot. Of course, she's also a special agent. (I'm mentioning that in case her standard issue American flag bikini didn't tip you off to the obvious fact that she works for what is only referred to in this film as "The Agency.")

I have not seen Julie Strain in a film in at least a decade, and I forgot how hilarious she is. She is also seven feet tall and clearly out of her fucking mind. In real life. This movie also features Tai Collins, who I knew I recognized, but I couldn't remember from where. Sadly, I realized it was from this issue of Playboy, which I must have been in possession of at some point in my life. Strangely, she is the best actress in this flick, and apparently her job as "boss" at the Agency requires her to constantly be showering.

Some funny stills from the movie are here. Sorry, they're rated PG. You'll have to find all the showering pics on your own.



This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
All-Northwest High School Chorus - MENC Northwest Conference 1963 Casper, Wyoming (1963)

So, this is not your standard issue entry, as I'm not really concerned with the music on this one. (I'm listening to it now, and it's just your basic live choir record.)

What I'd like to talk about is the cover. Do you see what I'm talking about yet? Anyone? You may not. Does it look vaguely familiar to you? Click here to see what a genius I am.

Or am I? Is this some sort of famous photo I'm not aware of? I can't find anything about it on the ol' websky. The one thing that makes it seem fishy to me is the text on the one here, and the absence of text on the other one, with nary a sign of any manipulation. Thoughts? Post 'em on the board or something.



This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Skinemaxtastic - A sweet way to describe a b-movie that's just an excuse to showcase some boobage, but ends up being funny or at least tolerable in its badness.

Origin - Me, a few paragraphs up.

Usage - "Oh, dude. Have you seen The Dallas Connection?"

"Dude, what?"

"Dude, it's Drew Sidaris's not-long-awaited follow-up to Enemy Gold! Dude, it features the triumphant returns of Bruce Penhall as Chris Cannon and Mark Barriere as Mark Austin!"

"Dude, sounds Skinemaxtastic."

"Dude, it really is. It really is. Only nine shower scenes, though. I was disappointed."


This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Signs You Have A "Girls With Guns" Fetish:

10. You're constantly asking your girlfriend you shoot your Sierra Mist into your mouth with a Super Soaker
09. Every time you meet a cute girl, you immediately wonder what she would look like in a neon green string bikini with a bazooka hoisted on her shoulder
08. You find yourself saying "Come on baby, it's not even loaded" way more than you feel any normal human being should
07. You're always "unintentionally" leaving the "S" off your girlfiend Suzi's name
06. You dropped a bunch of money on the special edition of Jackie Brown, but all you do is watch the bonus feature where they show the "Chicks With Guns" video in its entirety
05. You sit in the dark watching old TJ Hooker episodes, praying that Heather Locklear gets embroiled in a gun-wielding standoff
04. Your cutesy nickname for your sweetie is "my little Desert Eagle"
03. When someone asks you what you thought of the film The Women, you say, "honestly, I was hoping for more assualt rifles"
02. For Valentine's Day, you got your lady a heart-shaped box full o' ammo
01. You keep pushing for the firing range to host speed dating

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