Gome of the Week
Everyone brace yourselves: Kanye's grown a LBST.
Man, give some of the rest of us a chance to do some trend-setting!
He's just too good.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sit back and let him "be great." Keep it comin', K!
Your genius is timeless.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
A History of the Black Mullet - You didn't think I was going to let it go that easily, did you?
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Battle Beyond the Stars (1980)
When you're watching a film that has Roger Corman's name on it but he's not the director, you don't expect much. So, I can say I was pleasantly surprised by the budget of this film. The story's crap and the acting is phoned in, but they had a few pretty badass interior shots on the spaceships.
Richard "Waltons" Thomas plays Shad, a young guy from a peaceful planet who is suddenly forced to defend his small community from some space dicks (headed up by John "Nightmare on Elm Street" Saxon) who want to take over his planet. He decides to head out into the galaxy and see if he can round up some mercenaries to aid in his fight, because his planet is populated with weaponless wusses. He hops in his spaceship (which is shaped like ovaries connected to fallopian tubes riding on a nutsack with nipples), and the adventure begins.
He hooks up with a computer nerd (Darlanne "Lock Up" Fluegel), a cowboy (George "Hannibal" Peppard), a bounty hunter (Robert "BASEketball" Vaughn), and a space strumpet (Sybil "huge cans" Danning). There's also some lizard dude in there somewhere. Oh, and a group of white-suited three-eyed space clones, led by Earl "The Dr. from the Terninator movies" Boen.
The final battle is pretty bad, special effects-wise, and suspense-wise. There's no build up; all of a sudden they're just engaged in interplanetary warfare. But, there's plenty of casualties and some solid kamikaze missions, so I can't complain. Overall, I'd give it two flaming Kelvins, three Quopegs, and a half Kintwarna.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Bryan Smith - Goes to Town With His Happy Piano (1983)
Let me first say this: his piano is indeed happy, and boy does he go to town.
This isn't much more than your standard collection of waltzes, fox trots, quick steps, cha chas, and even some rumbas and sambas. I think we're all just impressed Bryan stopped banging floozies on his tour bus long enough to cut these hot tracks.
The head of his record company (a wig-coiffed woman who looks to be no younger than 103) gives him endless praise in rum-fueled letter hastily typed on the back: "In all indeed this record is one succession of utterly delightful music." Have another whiskey-dipped crumpet, you old bag.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Geriatric Profanity Disorder - Or GPD. A sweet way to classify whatever it is that makes Gramps swear so damn much.
Origin - Brad Goodman.
Usage - "Oh, dude. Have you seen my grandpa lately? Dude is off his rocker."
"Dude, he's really losing his mind, huh?"
"Well, a little bit, but he also literally fell out of his rocking chair. Then he called it a 'fucker'"
"Dude, looks like he's got the early signs of Geriatric Profanity Disorder, or GPD."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Excerpts From My Forthcoming Autobiography:
10. "It was then that she removed her prosthetic leg and shoved it into my mouth, forcing me to swallow most of my teeth."
09. "I had never made love to an original cast member from The Wizard of Oz before, and I wasn't going to miss my chance."
08. "Just lay back and let it happen, the grizzled hobo cooed."
07. "My surgical scrubs were spattered with whatever that stuff is that's inside a person's kidneys, and as I looked around the operating room, holding the scalpel upside down, I realized the jig was, sadly, up."
06. "I crab-walked across the gymnasium as fast as I could, but it was too late: the schnauzer had already swallowed my one remaining testicle."
05. "'Fuck it!' I screamed, and shot the heroin directly into my urethra."
04. "As the plexiglass rained down on me like so much transparent confetti, I heard the crowd erupt and realized at long last, this one thing was true: I was the winner of the slam dunk contest."
03. "I took one last pull off the bottle of rubber cement, cocked the sawed-off, and faced myself in the mirror. 'You can do this,' I whispered to myself. And I strutted confidently out to the Star Search stage."
02. "Lucky for me, I always kept a screwdriver in my prison wallet for occasions such as these."
01. "As the last ham slice ricocheted off my buttocks and planted itself firmly on my mayo-slathered inner thigh, I knew things could only go uphill from here."
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