Gome of the Week
Society, I am begging you: put the ironic D.A.R.E. shirts down.
I think I may have gomed this up some years ago, but my pleas apparently fell upon deaf (or in this case, "def") ears. It's not too late. We can still save future generations from this unfortunate tragedy.
The next time you see one of these at a Value Village or Goodwill, just do what I always do: remove it from the rack and stuff it deep inside one of the heaping piles of dirty stuffed animals that is sure to be there. It will be years before it is excavated.
Let's work together to stop this epidemic in its tracks.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Socks Anatomy - Better get in on the ground floor of this hot new trend!
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
The Stuff (1985)
A few years before he brought us the magic of Maniac Cop, and about a decade before he wowed us with Dream a Little Dream 2, writer/director Larry Cohen drenched us in The Stuff.
Apparently this is a mild cult classic, so if this film is some semi-obscure teenage rite-of-passage that I'm unaware of, I offer my sincerest apologies. Having watched it, I do understand why people (especially people 24 years ago) would get a kick out of it. It's a solid b-movie, complete with horrendous special effects, ultra-choppy editing, and some sort-of-famous people sleepwalking through bit parts in search of that sweet paycheck.
The setup for the story lasts less than minute. Some guys find bubbling white ooze coming from a hole in the ground, decide to eat it, decide it tastes pretty good, and one of them mentions the idea of selling it. Quick cut, and The Stuff is the taste sensation that's sweeping the shit out of the nation.
Its competitors can't figure out what's in it, so they hire rogue cool guy David "Mo" Rutherford (played by a hairpieced Michael Moriarty) to sniff out the recipe. While he's doing this, the public is becoming addicted to The Stuff, which has apparently become sentient. Sometimes it moves, sometimes it takes over people's bodies, sometimes it just gets eaten. There's no consistency in the behavior of The Stuff, and that's just one of the many reasons this movie makes absolutely no sense.
Aside from the names you can see on the box there, Danny Aiello shows up, and so does a young Eric Bogosian, playing a grocery store clerk. Best cameo of all: Abe Vigoda eating dinner with the "Where's the Beef" lady in a commercial for The Stuff. Yes, she actually says, "Where's The Stuff?" I wonder if Moriarty and Paul Sorvino ever talked about the good times they had making this film on the set of "Law & Order" a few years later. Probably not.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Various Artists - Concern (196?)
If nothing else, I just love the cover of this record. So hopeful and daunting all at the same time.
This is some late-50's/early 60's (my best guess) Seventh-day Adventist propaganda, and it's mad creepy. There are the standard songs, like Del Delker's (that's a woman, btw) rousing rendition of "In Times Like These," but it's when the "Voice of Prophecy" H.M.S. Richards takes the mic that things get weird. Dude just will not stop talking about death, and something about god only handing out so many heartbeats. His basic point: we're all going to die soon, so you really better join the winning team. And I'll tell you, his Titanic analogies are top-notch.
The one bummer: there's a slot inside the gatefold cover of this record that must have housed some sort of pamphlet. Mine's empty. I guess I'll never know who the "objects of god's supreme concerns" are.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
dingers/the scissors of scrote - A sweet thing to call the sideways peace sign that so many choadbags wish to flash.
Origin - Well, this guy, but this is also a patented EA/BTB collabo. "Dingers" rhymes with "fingers." It's like douche + fingers.
Usage - "Oh, dude. You know how I loves me some party photographs, right?"
"Dude, you do love having your photograph taken in crowded rooms. Dude, it is really something."
"Dude, last night this orange guy busted into one of my prime photographic opportunities and started frantically flashing the dingers."
"Dude, the scissors of scrote strike again."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Comments to Make While Watching "Cops":
10. "Is this the one where the guy gets arrested? Change the channel; I've seen it."
09. "Wow, that is one gummy prostitute."
08. "That's just like the police! Always hassling the Iranian guy for driving drunk while cross-dressing with a balloon of black tar heroin crammed up his ass."
07. "I always wish they had estimated info on the intoxication levels of the people they're dealing with. Like, 'Santa Fe, NM, 10:22 PM, disturbance call. The dude has had 14 beers, three long slugs off a whiskey bottle, half a joint, and possibly four or five amyl nitrate poppers.'"
06. "Wait, you have to wear pants when you're driving?"
05. "I guess Samuel L. Jackson's character in True Romance was right: you smoke enough sherm, your dumb ass will do a lot of motherfucking things."
04. "Man, the sound of that taser reminds me of my bachelor party."
03. "Is it still considered domestic violence if the guy puts his wife's head through the outside of the trailer?"
02. "When that hobo spit in the cop's mouth, I made up my mind: I'm applying for the Academy!"
01. "You know cops always have the best reefer!"
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