Gome of the Week
Arctic Blast 2008 is officially ruining everyone's good time.
I never thought I would used the phrase "scrotum-level snow drifts," but here we are.
Here we are.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Far Side Reenactments - If you get it, it's hilarious.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Christmas Evil (1980)
Also known as You Better Watch Out, this is a holiday horror gem of bizarre proportions. Sure, plenty of losers on the internet refer to it as "unbearable," but I watched the shit out of it, and actually enjoyed it.
As a chilid, Harry Stadling witnesses his dad dressed in a Santa suit banging his mom. Apparently it traumatizes him, becauses as an adult (flash forward!), he spies on the local kids and keeps his own good and evil lists. Harry is what a seasoned shrink would call "socially retarded."
He works at a toy factory (it's apparently always Christmas in this movie's world), and when he covers a shift for a guy and later finds out the dude was out drinking, he goes to the guys house and cuts his throat from ear to ear. Merry Christmas indeed!
The story is anything but linear, but it matters not. By the time Harry is in his Santa suit and lodging axes in the skulls of the innocent, you can just sit back and enjoy the terribly unrealistic bloodbath. And I won't give it away, but the ending of this movie is one of the greatest things I've ever seen. I'll just say this: I hadn't seen a hastily painted Econoline van fly before, and I was missing out.
Also fun: the mom from "Home Improvement" in her first film role, slapping the bejeezus out of her kid.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Various Artists - Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus Volumes 1&2 (1995)
I could have sworn I featured this before, but I can't find it. I think I ordered it one Christmas, it didn't show up until after the holiday, and then I forgot by the next year. Anway, here it is, a 90's NW rock Christmas comp to keep your holiday both low brow and lo-fi.
If you've never heard the Jet Boys doing "Merry Christmas, Fuck You," then you've been celebrating the holidays all wrong. There's also holiday favorites and new classics from the likes of The Humpers, The Creamers, The Muffs, The Chubbies, and Satan's Cheerleaders.
And we can't forget Red Aunt's always festive "Little Drummer Bitch." Remember when Christmas meant something?
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Nah, your Aunt Tilly. Yeah you! - A sweet way to express your incredulousness when someone's being coy with you.
Origin - A Christmas Story. Go to about 8:15 in this video.
Usage - "Oh, dude. My ex-coug is going out of town for Christmas, and I am going to have nothing to worry about and a lot of time to just kick back."
"Nice dude. Then you won't mind helping me shovel my driveway. Hey, I'm talking to you."
"Dude, who, me?"
"Nah, your Aunt Tilly. Yeah you!"
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things I Will Do Upon Awaking On Christmas Day:
10. Pop up and scream "Christmas! Oh fuck yeah!"
09. Run downstairs, head-first slide under the tree, begin violently shaking all gifts
08. Repeatedly say, while shaking gifts, "This one sounds cheap"
07. Head to the roof, remove my pants, ask bystanders if anyone wants to see my Christm-ass
06. Offer to make pancakes in the shape of reindeer dongs
05. See how many candy canes I can keister, claim it's for charity
04. When asked about the charity, explain that it's called "Keistering for Kids"
03. Before opening each gift, say "C'mon, Barbi Twins calendar..."
02. After opening each gift, say "Well this is kinda fucked up" and provide no further explanation
01. When asked why I haven't bought anyone anything, say that my gift to everyone is forgiveness. And body slams. Lots of body slams
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