12.14.08
Gome of the Week
The lead singer for an Italian teen goth band stabbed her guitar player "at least 50 times, mostly in the head and back," this week for not playing his solos well enough, and "sounding evil."
During rehearsal.
I heard during the live shows they just keep a guillotine on stage.
Hiyooo!
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Betty Beauty - For the discerning lady who has been looking for a safe way to dye her pubes neon pink.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Attention Shoppers (2000)
I think I've said it before, but it bears repeating: indie filmmakers must absolutely loathe the people who are in charge of packaging their films for DVD (or in this case, VHS) release.
First off, Luke Perry's total screen time in this film cannot total more than four minutes. Martin Mull's: maybe two. Kathy Najimy: eh, I'd say 90 seconds.
This film's star (and writer) is one Nestor Carbonell, who, even if you don't know the name, you would recognize, but not from that picture of him on the cover sporting shades. He's the guy who most recently played the mayor in The Dark Knight, and he's been in a ton of shit. But maybe, and it's sort of vital for this film, you remember him as Luis Rivera from "Suddenly Susan." If you do, you'll figure out pretty quick that he wrote this movie about his life at the time (the "based on a true story" that rolls before the credits helps, too).
Anyway, my point: this movie is actually pretty good, or at least I found it entertaining. It's a dark comedy about a guy playing a Cuban in a TV show, even though he's not actually Cuban (sound familiar?), and he's going to Texas to do a K Mart opening. A bunch of stuff happens, things don't go as planned, etc. It's a smart idea, and they pull it off. It's not mind-blowing, but it's a good film. There you go.
Back to the box. Out of the eight sentences on the back that describe the movie, seven of them end in exclamation points. Seriously. It also describes Carbonell's character as "living la vida lucky!" Wow, I hate society. But this movie–I actually liked this movie.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Patricia Wilde Organ and Chimes - Christmas Carols in Percussion (195?)
"Percussion" has a pretty broad definition. Here, I guess it means "hand bells." This record is ultra bland-o, but what the hey, it's fun for the holidays.
It's really not much more than a church organ and some bells, and the songs all seem to be less than two minutes long. So, if you're looking for about 20 of your Christmas favorites in under a half hour, this is a good way to go.
Includes all your favorites, like "Good King Wenceslaus" and "Lo: How A Rose E'er Blooming." Classics.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
cockward - A sweet way to describe, as EA put it, "when unrequited male love gets a little... weird."
Origin - EA Sports: he invented the game.
Usage - "Oh, dude. My ex-coug is out of the picture. Thanks dude, for being there for me every step of the way."
"Dude, not a problem. And I don't mind you hanging out here. But if you could stop 'accidentally' walking in on me while I'm showering, that would be trump teez."
"OK. Can I still watch you sleep tonight?"
"Wow, this is getting mad cockward."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs Your Significant Other Got You A Butt Plug For Christmas:
10. You found a receipt in the trash from The Butt Plug Barn
09. You couldn't help but notice the industrial sized vat of ass lube propped up against the wall in the garage
08. The amount of butt plug-related catalogs that are delivered to your home has skyrocketed in the last month
07. On your joint Visa bill, you recently noted the charge "BIG BLACK BUTT PLUG," and it sure as hell wasn't you
06. Until recently, had never heard your partner express interest in "anal training"
05. They recently asked you "Which sounds more exciting: Tripple Ripple, The Pyramid, Jelly Royale, or The Ass Stopper?"
04. Went to use the computer and there was a list of Google search results for "Can I put a big pear-shaped black rubber butt plug in the dishwasher with my fine China?"
03. Recent dinner conversation starter: "Boy, that Anal Eaze sure makes a fine butt plug, don't they?"
02. Found a pamphlet on the nightstand: So You've Decided To Purchase A Mammoth Butt Plug
01. There's a big butt plug-shaped present under the tree
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