Gome of the Week
On "Black Friday," a Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death by a herd of fat losers. On the other coast, a couple of dudes in a Toys R Us shot and killed each other.

Because they both had guns.

In Toys R Us.

Sing it with me: "It's the most wonderful time of the year..."





This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Police Dispatch - A Finnish guy gets wild in Tucson.


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Glitz (1988)

I"m not going to lie. If I had been handling content for this website in 1988 (highly unlikely for a few reasons, I know), I would have had a hard time not cancelling Jimmy Smits' career. He comes out of nowhere on some "LA Law" shit, and all of a sudden he's snuggling up to the hottest lady of '88, Markie Post, in a movie that should be good (see Elmore Leonard's name down there?) but really isn't.

Thankfully, the Smits man has redeemed himself repeatedly, and has become the cool guy we know and love today. As for Markie, I saw her on "30 Rock" a few weeks ago reprising her "Night Court" role. Ouch. She still looks pretty good though. Gams from here to ya-ya.

Anyway, yes, this movie is not great, but it was better than I thought it might be. It's a low-budget affair, and Smits out-acts everyone in the whole thing. There are a few entertaining loose cannon cops who are good for some comedy, but they can't quite lift the flick out of the depths of sucktown.

Plus, when you're hoping for some full-frontal nudity of the Markie Post variety, you know you're going to be disappointed.





This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Amii Stewart - Knock On Wood (1979)

Whether you know it or not, you're more than familiar with Stewart's disco hit "Knock On Wood." I wasn't sure I was, but when I threw this thing on the turntable, I realized quickly that I'd heard the song a hundred times.

What I hadn't heard was the eight and a half minute disco version of The Doors' "Light My Fire" that closes out the A side of this LP. Man, I'm glad I didn't hear that in 1990. Hearing the Jose Feliciano version scarred me enough.

Seems like they put all their effort into the title track, because the rest of this is lazy, and I couldn't see myself cramming a blow-filled spoon up my nose to this at all. But, it was released on Ariola records, which gave me a slight juvenile giggle.



This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Sketchosaurus Rex/Tyrannosaurus Sketch - A sweet way to describe something that has been deemed "sketchy."

Origin - My girlfriend in high school used to say Sketchosaurus Rex. I argued that it should really be Tyrannosaurus Sketch. Turns out we were idiots with too much time on our hands.

Usage - "Oh, dude. My ex-coug has turned 'roke ho. She's been making the scene, with no regard for her three children, ages 2, 4, and 17."

"Dude, sounds dicey."

"Dude, it's Sketchosaurus Rex, big time."

"Some might even call it Tyrannosaurus Sketch. Especially considering her strangely tiny arms."



This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Stores In Which You Can Find Me An Ideal Christmas Gift:

10. Foot-Long Armpit Hair Emporium
09. Nuttin' But Butterfly Knives
08. Athelete's Foot Locker
07. Bed, Bath & Butt Plugs
06. The Salve Store
05. Hairy Jheri's (I'm pretty sure they sell pube activator)
04. Wally's Ball Gag Kiosk
03. Build-A-Gay Bear
02. The Scrote Shack
01. House O' Used Anal Beads


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