Gome of the Week
I keep finding myself looking back to a simpler time. Couldn't have been more than a month ago.
The leaves were just starting to change, summer was signaling its weary end, and Elizabeth Banks wasn't starring in every single fucking movie that was coming out.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Project Bueller - Seems like a good idea.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Now, from the looks of this cover, you would probably feel safe in assuming this is a horror movie, right? Well, you'd be wrong. In fact, you can't really safely assume anything from this cover, because that picture is of a scene and an actor that do not actually appear in this movie. Yes, this is one of those.
One of those movies that can't decide whether to be a comedy, a really black comedy, or some sort of weird horror spoof. And if that isn't bad enough, the people who made the cover for the VHS tape make it look like a grizzly horror flick on the front (clowns with machine guns!), then spend the entire blurb on the back talking about how funny it is. As for "Welcome to the abusement park," I have no idea.
This film is directed by Michael A. Simpson, the mastermind that brought you Fast Food and Sleepaway Camp II & III. So, we know Biff's familiar with his work. It's written by a couple of veteran SNL writers, so I thought there might be some redeeming qualities. There aren't many - it's mostly a stinker. It stars David "Squiggy" Lander as a crazy clown who gets his job taken away. Things go nutty from there.
It has the makings of a great 80's comedy (nerd in a position of power, hot chick, fat dude, cool guy vs. stick-up-his-ass guy), but they do nothing with it. A damn shame. I laughed once, at a stand-up sign of a pirate next to a ride that randomly said "Hey kids, you have to be as tall as my balls to ride on this one!" Or something like that.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
David Rose and His Orchestra - The Stripper and Other Songs for the Family (1962)
You know that song they always play in old cartoons and movies when a girl is doing a stripper-type dance? This is it. That horn-heavy rumbler that gets the men all worked up.
Clearly the punch line here is "and Other Songs for the Family," though i can't really argue with their logic, because these are all instrumentals. And really, I could picture a two-bit tramp stripping to any one of these invigorating numbers.
Except maybe "My Heart Belongs to Daddy." That's just creepy.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
I ain't fer it, I'm aggin' it - A sweet way to say you're not in favor, you are opposed.
Origin - Abraham Simpson.
Usage - "Oh, dude. These cougs wanna take me for my skrilla!"
"Dude, don't talk like that. You sound like a true dodestain."
"Dude, just so we're clear, where do you stand on my new style of speak?"
"Dude, I ain't fer it, I'm aggin' it."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things I've Learned From Watching "Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling":
10. The woman who played Tabitha on "Bewitched" 35 years ago is what's passing as a celebrity these days
09. Danny Bonaduce has an insatiable thirst for blood, and possibly doesn't understand that wrestling is fake
08. I have no idea who Trishelle Cannatella or Nikii Ziering are, and I'm going to keep it that way
07. Jimmy "Mouth of the South" Hart's hair plugs are really taking
06. Brutus Beefcake: He's oily, he's tan, he's spiky-haired, he's 51 years old and this probably prevented his suicide
05. Pretty sure Screech is going to catch an unscripted and very real beatdown from Todd Bridges before production wraps
04. Tiffany: seeing her in biker shorts gave me some innapropriate pre-pubescent flashbacks. Too bad she can't deliver a convincing clothesline
03. Frank Stallone is still alive
02. Butterbean: we should be harvesting this man for sweat, processing it through a series of filters, and exporting it to third world countries. Their thirsts would be amply quenched
01. Calling Brian "Nasty Boy" Knobs a "legend of the squared circle" might be pushing it. I would settle for "legend of the all-you-can-eat buffet, equipped with a voice like a fork scraping tempered glass"
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