Gome of the Week
There's a show on HGTV (I think) called What's With That House? that could be really interesting if it weren't hosted by this dode. I'd be interested in removing his soul patch with some rusty pliers. You're past 40, man. Time to stop tinkering with that hair color. But that shirt is top notch.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Wrestling Polaroids - With some Elvis impersonator, who was apparently a B-level manager.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
You know, I knew that this movie was going to be terrible yet still subjected myself to it. I don't know what that says about me. What if JFK hadn't been shot? That is the premise of this yawner that seems to put forth the notion that the Kennedys would have solved all the ills of America and we would be living in a proverbial Heaven on Earth if they had not been assassinated. While I am all for the Kennedys, the ideas that the movie puts forth seem naïve at best. And pointless. Not even the almighty Bruce Campbell himself can save you from falling asleep during this preachy, self-important borefest.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
The Korean Children's Choir - To The World With Love (1972)
Not quite as hilarious as I thought it might be, but close. When the kids break out and do some solos, that's when their accents really shine. Am I a terrible person for laughing at their barely intelligible version of "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing"? Probably. It really sounds like they're saying "I'd like to hold it in my ass." Yes, maturity has never been my strong suit.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
wangwise - Regarding the wang.
Origin - Eh, I probably picked it up in a locker room somewhere.
Usage - "Dude, let's never speak of your coug again."
"Dude, that is a trump teez idea. It's time to move on, possibly to Puss Run '08."
"That is a good attitude, dude. You've got a lot to offer. A good personality, you're friendly, and from the glimpes I've caught of you exiting the shower, you're doing pretty well wangwise, too."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things I've Never Told Anyone:
10. I am an obsessive Robert Wuhl fan
09. Once, I walked around all day with a G.I. Joe "Quick Kick" figure crammed up my ass
08. While watching the Star Wars Christmas Special, I became strangely and intensely aroused by Chewbacca's wife
07. I don't like Sara Lee
06. Every other Sunday I go to the airport and watch the planes departing, wondering where they're going and wishing I was on one of them
05. This past summer, I missed one of my estranged son Paco's little league games because I had a lot of money riding on a cock fight that had been rain delayed. So, you know, I had to stick around for the cock fight and it made me miss Paco's game
04. I think Steven Hawking is just kind of a know-it-all blowhard
03. I killed me a bear at the age of three
02. I like to watch Anne Coulter interviews with the sound off while listening to Deicide and frantically masturbating with cold cream
01. I really would like to be a Pepper too
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