01.20.08
Gome of the Week
Once again, the academy has proven how in touch it is by almost completely snubbing Into The Wild (Hal Holbrook got a nod) and declaring that Jonny Greenwood's soundtrack to There Will Be Blood wasn't eligible for consideration because "the majority of the music was not composed specifically for the film." But, Norbit got nominated in the make up category, so that's a small victory for idiocy. Oh, they also wanted to say that if you haven't seen Juno and just absolutely loved every minute of it, then fuck you, asshole.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
The Dave Henderson Old School Baseball Wood Bat Tournament - It's in Tucson. Biff, mark your calendar.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
National Lampoon's Pucked (2006)
Let me get this straight. Jon Bon Jovi? Bud Bundy? USA Up All Night-style T&A? Hockey? Oh good heavens, someone somewhere really likes me. Bon Jovi is one of those 80's movie schemer types and he develops an all women's hockey league. Hilarity ensues. Nora Dunn plays his uptight sister and it was reassuring to see that her career is this canceled. It was also reassuring to see Estella Warren in this for the same reason, as Biff is madly in love with her and she is one step away from Skinemax. Cary Elwes is hilarious in this and it was too bad to see him stoop to a Bud Bundy movie. Please do not die before seeing this movie.
Love, Biff.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Campbell's Soup Company - Club 15: A Program of Balanced Eating and Exercise (1965)
Before there was Jazzercise, Campbell's Soup apparently led the fight to get those hefty high school girls of the 60's to drop some poundage. They describe it as a program to "help girls reach their own levels of peak fitness through a program that is both fun and feminine to follow." Ah, the sixties. A time when you could be feminine about following something. The album cover is gatefold with diagrams of all the sweet fitness moves, captioned with encouraging phrases like "Fit for slacks?," "Want to be a cheerleader? This will help your split," "This is the way to pretty arms," and "Waist whittler." The record itself features Muriel Davis Grossfeld (Olympic Gymnast 1956,1960,1964; Olympic Coach 1968) boot camping the young ladies through a series of moves set to generic pop music. The "Club" part encourages young girls to get together with their friends at least once a week to go through the routine, and on the days they don't meet, run through the record at home. Make sure to do Exercise 23, so you can get "in and out of sports cars."
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
conversation over - A sweet way to abruptly end a conversation.
Origin - Lorne Michaels.
Usage - "Dude, my coug and I are really looking forward to a big weekend. We're going to sneak some Steak-Ums into the theater and see if we can't get into double digits on the ol' viewing of National Treasure meter."
"Dude, there are so many things wrong with that sentence."
"Do you find the use of the term "coug" offensive? Or is the thought of my sweet lady taking off her wig to rub the oils of cured and processed meat by-products all over her wispy scalp in preparations of my licking it off just too much for you to handle?"
"Dude. Conversation over."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Ways To Win An Argument (Or Hurt The Person Arguing With You):
10. Begin weeping, sporadically screaming "No one ever listens to me!" When the person you were arguing with comes over to console you, throw salt in their eyes, Mr. Fuji style.
09. Concede defeat, offer a handshake, then catch 'em with a surprise Black Rebel Chop.
08. Ask the other person to explain their point in great detail. With any luck, they will become so engulfed in their own sense of self satisfaction that they won't even notice when you begin urinating on them.
07. If you're a girl arguing with your boyfriend, bring up something unrelated to the current argument. Perhaps something that happened six months ago that you're still mad about even though you said it had been resolved. That usually speeds things along.
06. If someone cites Wikipedia, tell them that Wikipedia is an unreliable information source that is easily manipulated by teams of sad, pathetic, computer nerds with nothing better to do with their wretched lives. If the person you're arguing with is one of these nerds, prepare to have your Wikipedia entry include the words "sexual deviant."
05. I always like you use the phrase "We can handle this like gentlemen or we can get into some gangsta shit"
04. Make up an embarrasing personal secret about the other person. When you are out of arguments, just say "Oh yeah, well at least I don't refer to the glory hole at the rest area out on Route 87 as 'a night out with the guys.'" This will work best if the dude's wife is standing in the vicinity.
03. Say "yeah, you're probably right." Then catch 'em with a flying scissor kick. Then say "And by right, I mean in need of immediate medical attention." Classic.
02. Whatever they're talking about, say that someone in your family works there. "Well, my dad was the trainer for the 1956 Boston Celtics, and he said that Togo Palazzi was a real fuckwad."
01. When all else fails, go with the ol' fork in the eye.
Cancel One Career
